EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUT MY HEAD IN AN OVEN

Over at Sidebar, Moi questions the tradition of Jewish mother jokes*:

But what gives with all the sexist stereotypes? Loud obnoxious opinionated women--overbearing mothers full of guilt trips--boastful women. And, where are the corresponding stereotypes about Jewish men?

It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I first heard anyone opine that Jewish mother jokes are sexist and offensive.  It startled me to hear it because I grew up hearing Jewish mother jokes, generally told with both relish and affection by relatives on the Jewish side of my family.  While I always thought the stereotypical Jewish mother was a loveable although irritating personality, the stereotype might not be so charming if you happen to be the target of the jokes.  The Jewish Mother of jokedom is:

Passive-Agressive

From Haikus for Jews by David M. Bader:

Lovely nose ring --

Excuse me while I put my

head in the oven.

Pushes her children 

Is one Nobel Prize

so much to ask from a child

after all I've done?

Overprotective

Hey! Get back indoors! 

Whatever you were doing    

could put an eye out.

Refuses to Let go

Testing the warm milk

on her wrist, she beams -- nice, but 

her son is forty.

Excessively Proud of her Children

A Jewish mother was seen running along the beach screaming, "Help! Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning!"

Insists on Love and Respect from her Children

"Oedipus schmoedipus!  A boy shouldn't love his mother?"

My mother, who has great comic timing, used to re-tell a lot of Jewish mother jokes.  Although she is not Jewish, the way she told the jokes evinced a great sympathy for the mother's point of view.  I never really saw the Jewish Mother as a ridiculous figure, because my mother always seemed to admire her and empathize with her.  The Jewish Mother may be annoying but she is powerful, at least within her family.  She comes out on top and generally gets what she wants. She dominates, even if in a neurotic way.  (I am thinking of Woody Allen's short film "Oedipus Wrecks" from New York Stories, in which the mother turns into a giant head in the sky looking down over Manhattan and able to observe and comment on her son's every move.)

I always thought of the Jewish Mother as a forceful, ambitious, opinionated, intelligent personality -- all good things, but directed in unhealthy ways due the lack of other available outlets for these qualities.  For example, the Jewish Mother's ambition had to be expressed through her sons because she herself did not have the same opportunities.  The children were the natural objects of the Jewish Mother's forcefulness and dominance because mothers generally did not have other available expressions of power.

Dr. Paula Hyman offers another interpretation:

Eastern European Jewish culture did foster an intense style of mothering, which was reinforced by the physical and psychological insecurity of life in the shtetl [the small-town or village community of Jews in Eastern Europe] and later in the immigrant ghettos. Not only was it a style of mothering appropriate to its surroundings, it also served to equip the children for survival, even for success, in an environment that was often hostile.

Hyman notes that the mother was reverenced in Eastern European Jewish culture before immigration to America and western Europe.  It was only once immigrant children, anxious to assimilate, saw the contrast between this "intense mothering style" and non-Jewish American family life that Jewish comedians began poking fun at the Jewish Mother. 

This makes sense to me. My Jewish grandmother grew up in poverty in turn-of-the century Manhattan and was the daughter of immigrants who had fled Eastern Europe.  By all accounts, she was excessively concerned with my father's health and safety when he was a boy, even going so far as to fret about him crossing the street by himself when he was fourteen and, as he puts it, "already shaving, for God's sake."  But when you and your family have known great insecurity it makes sense to fear the worst for your offspring and to do everything in your power to protect them from hostile outside forces.  This goes down the generations too.  Sometimes, my dad slips out of authoritarian-father mode into what I think of as his "anima," a stereotypical Jewish Mother.  He used to freak out if I showed the slightest sign of getting a cold or if I went swimming too soon after having lunch or if I started looking "too skinny."  But it's not so silly when you recognize the historical roots of where this protectiveness may originate.

As Paula E. Kirman puts it: "As well, in a world where it is only recent that Jews are not paraiahs in society, a person who lived in more dangerous times may feel more protective of her flock . . . The stereotypical Yiddishe Mama is probably a species that will not remain beyond another generation, as the face and makeup of Jewish families change and we are more used to living amongst non-Jews. But her mark upon Jewish literature, popular culture, and our lives, will ensure that the legend of the Jewish mother will remain a part of the Jewish consciousness."

*Bonus -- See the Sidebar post linked above for some Gentile jokes, too!

NOTE: Also see this article about comedian Judy Gold, who interviewed fifty real Jewish mothers, of diverse backgrounds, and turned what she learned into a one-woman comedy show expressed from the women's point of view.

Comments

[debbie]

In How Jews Become White Folks And What that Says About Race in America, the author (can't remember the name offhand) addresses this a little bit in terms of gender/femininity and race. And it's not just stereotypes about Jewish women - stereotypes about Jewish men as effeminate go along with stereotypes about Jewish women as overbearing, domineering - qualities that are seen as acceptable masculine qualities. Basically, Jewish people have an ambiguous relationship to whiteness (I'm speaking mostly of Ashkenazi Jews), and these stereotypes highlight Jews not meeting the gendered standard of whitenss.
This comment is a little garbled. Clearly, I need more coffee before I tackle this subject!

[Sydney]

My Italian boyfriend objects to your characterization of these jokes as "Jewish."

His personal favorite is:
What are the 3 ways that we know that Jesus was Italian?
1. Only an Italian woman could think that her son was God.
2. Only an Italian man could believe that his mother was a virgin.
3. Only an Italian man could live with his family until he was 30.

[Denise]

I don't know too much about Jewish culture, but I know Italians make their children the center of their lives. My mother immigrated to the United States from Italy when she was a teenager and I observed early on that her parenting style was quite different than most of my friend's mothers. My mother always made it clear to my brother and I that we were the most important creatures on earth. We were always the smartest, the best looking, the most talented, etc, etc. We sure did not have any self-esteem problems ! She catered to our every whim and was very protective. She always had to know where we were and was very concerned about keeping us out of any perceived danger. Honestly, I spent more time around her and the rest of my family growing up than I did around peers. I always say Italians like to keep their children close to the vest. They seem to incorporate their children into an "adult" world at a very young age. I never resented this kind of parental attention. I liked spending time with my mother and thought it was sweet that she seemed to care so much.
Also, food was a big part of our lives. If I did not eat absolutely everything on my plate my mother and grandparents would endlessly fret about how I must be sick and, ofcourse, my grandmother would insist on making me some soup to get me well again even if I insisted over and over that I was fine !

[Tefnut]

In an interesting response to the "Jewish Mother" of the Diaspora, the New Jewish Mother in the Zionist ethos (which was all about creatng the New Jew - a strong, healthy, physically active warrior and Man of the Earth....) is supposed to be brave, competent (manage to adequately feed her children and care for her family in a time of war), and silently proud and brave as her sons (and sometimes daughters) march off to fight for The Land (and often fail to return).

She is also supposed to be a working mother (!!!), playing her part in the Building of The Land - albeit in a traditionally feminine capacity such as teacher/nurse/kibbutz secretary etc.

i've actually long had the impression that "jewish mothers/families", "italian mothers/families", and "arab mothers/families"* are very similar in terms of the things you describe here. there is also the "big loud obnoxious family gathering" sort of thing. and then i saw "my big fat greek wedding" and that seemed to be similar, too.

it's interesting that you mention the "powerful" character of the stereotypical jewish mother, as well as the limited outlets for ambition and consequent living-through-children. arab women are often thought of as lacking power within the family -- and not incorrectly, i guess -- but, in the family, they are also in the same sort of complex position that you described of "the jewish mother", and also speaking of "my big fat greek wedding" i think that movie says some interesting things about what the family's women can and can't do, in terms of family power.

idunno, sorry this is so poorly set out. i have no idea if all these ethnicities' mother-issues are really that similar, or if it's just the indiscriminate borrowing of stereotypes on the part of american culture, or if there is some common effect that immigration has had on these families (in this, i am thinking especially of the "neurotic" stuff). just some vague thoughts.

*(my experience of "arab families" being this way is less about stereotypes in american culture and much more about my own middle eastern family and others i've known.)

[Denise]

>>>it's interesting that you mention the "powerful" character of the stereotypical jewish mother, as well as the limited outlets for ambition and consequent living-through-children. arab women are often thought of as lacking power within the family -- and not incorrectly, i guess -- but, in the family, they are also in the same sort of complex position that you described of "the jewish mother", and also speaking of "my big fat greek wedding" i think that movie says some interesting things about what the family's women can and can't do, in terms of family power<<<

I'm not sure about other cultures but from my own personal experience I don't think Italian mothers do what they do because of some thirst for power. Perhaps my mother's family is a little more modern than some traditional Italian families but I have never seen the women in my family have some desperate need to live vicariously through their children. The women on my Italian side (myself included) have some serious feminist tendencies and are not docile doormats who don't have their own lives. However, through the centuries Italians have developed a genuine distrust of outsiders. We live for our families and find it difficult to trust those outside of our inner circle. Children are particularly precious to Italians. Through children parents continue the cycle of providing the constant companionship and unconditional love their own parents gave to them. Family is the true essence of our being. Italians keep their children close throughout their lives and depend on them exclusively in their later years.

[The Happy Feminist]

My father is half-Italian and half-Jewish, so I have Italian-American family too. My sense is that old-fashioned Italian mothers (at least stereotypically) are much more likely to think there children (especially their sons) can do no wrong, whereas the stereotypical Jewish mother is much more critical and harder to please.

But yeah, a lot of these traits span ethnicities. My Norwegian grandmother is the one who keeps insisting that we all eat vast quantities of food. (Weirdly, each of my grandparents is a different ethnicity.)

[Cassandra]

I'm Hispanic, with maternal ancestors dating back to Italy and Spain, and, we recently found out thanks to the wonders of geneology, our Spanish ancestors were also, yes, Jewish (and then the Inquisition happened; this explains, my mom says, why her grandmother refused to eat lobster, kept holy fast days, and prayed to the Kabbalah despite being a church-going Catholic her entire life). And, yes, my mother, grandmother, and other female relatives do fit a lot of stereotypes (I had a friend who laughed really hard at the part in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the mother says "Are you hungry? No? Okay I'll fix you something" because just a few days before my grandmother had, in fact, fed her a three-course meal as my friend kept explaining she wasn't hungry). My grandmother in particular hates the idea of my taking a subway, ever, by myself (I'm almost nineteen), or going outside when it's cold, and they constantly ask me if I'me ating enough. This does get annoying but I never thought of it overall as a bad thing.

Also, for balance, a potentially offensive joke that is partly a Jewish mother joke, but really a Jewish father joke (no stereotypes about Jewish men? There are stereotypes about EVERYONE):

A Jewish boy is trying out for a role in a play. His mother is almost as nervous for the audition as he is, and helps him prepare his lines for the week leading up to it. The morning the cast list goes up, they are both bundles of nerves. That afternoon the boy races in the door from school: "Mama, Mama, I got into the play!" She beams: "Oh that's wonderful, honey, you're a brilliant actor, you're going to be a star, etc. etc. What part do you have?" The boy says, "Mama, I'm playing the father!" She smiles and pats his head and says, "Well, that's good for your first role, dear, but next time, you tell them to give you a speaking part."

[Denise]

I am not so sure if I can do no wrong in my mother's eyes, but I do know that Italians spoil and indulge their sons and daughters well into adulthood. My brother is 39 and I am 33 and our mother still coddles us as much as ever. Always worrying about us, always buying us gifts, etc., etc. And ,ofcourse, always making sure we have enough to eat and making sure it tastes just the way we like it. If she even senses we don't think her latest dish is up to par she will offer to make it again ! I swear! But, my 32 year old cousin, Sara, who lives in Bologna, absolutely takes the cake in the "coddled" department. An only child she must be the most spoiled person on earth. Her parents bought her apartment, don't require her to work and buy all of her expensive designer clothing. Her parents have indulged her from every corner since birth and the funny thing is they love doing it !
I must say, though, I am not as familiar with "old world" Italian mothers. My mother grew up in Northern Italy which is admittedly much more modern than the more traditional South. (Though, I have heard through family members that Southern Italy is alot more modernized now than most people believe). Most people in my family are not religious and have pretty modern ideas about most things. My grandfather was born in 1909 and was originally from Calabria but by the time he met my grandmother, who was from the northern Italian city of Faenza, in Africa during WWII he had long ago given up the old world mentality of rural Southern Italy. Once they settled in Bologna my grandfather had completely assimilated into the North. Despite both being Italian my grandfather (being from the South) and my grandmother (being from the North) culturally grew up worlds apart. However, two things they had in common was their utter devotion to family and fine appreciation of good food. My grandparents had a powerful bond with their children as my mother does with her children. Look those of us with Italian mothers may be a little spoiled,but, hey, whoever thinks the root of their problems is that their parents loved them too much ?!?!

[Moi]

Cassandra--I'd argue that that joke is also a Jewish mother stereotype--that Jewish women are so overbearing that their men can't get a word in edgewise.

Seems to me that most Jewish jokes are that way. Rarely if ever are the men the brunt of the joke--at least in terms of negative stereotypes.