THE HAPPY FEMINIST TAKES THE COUCH

Thank you for your many supportive comments and accounts of similar experiences in response to my last post.  Your empathy and warmth have emboldened me to share yet another new development in my life, one which I would have been deeply ashamed of several years ago but which I now view in very positive terms.  A month ago I began psychotherapy for the first time in my life.  I am not planning to turn this site into a therapy blog, but I am going to discuss it a little bit and also tell you that being in therapy does not warrant the stigma it so often carries. 

Therapy was very much derided in my family when I was growing up.  My narcissist father always talked about it as a self-indulgent pastime for weaklings seeking excuses for their shortcomings or hand-holding because they can't cope with life.  I internalized these attitudes.  I often cringe when I hear "therapy talk" because it sometimes sounds too much like that Saturday Night Live character.  (If you're in the U.S. you are probably familiar with that character who used to look in the mirror and say things like, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, I like myself!")  Along with a number of conservative types, I have tsk-tsked the feel-good Oprah-ization of our culture. 

But therapy at its best is not about indulging dependence or weakness or self-absorption or feel-good excuses for bad behavior.  Precisely the opposite!   I am only a novice, but it seems to me that the alleviation of personal suffering is only one goal of therapy (and certainly not an unworthy one).  Therapy fosters a clear-eyed, rational view of reality (as opposed to child-like panic, magical thinking, or self-serving rationalizations to give just a few examples).  Therapy encourages independent problem-solving.  Therapy reflects such values as maturity and the confrontation of unpleasant truths-- although it does not encourage needless self-recrimination at the expense of problem solving. Sure, I am imagine that numerous self-serving therapists and manipulative clients have abused the therapeutic process.  But therapy, when conducted the way it is supposed to be, is designed to aid people in becoming happier, more effective, and more responsible. Nothin' wrong with that. 

I first became more open-minded about therapy a few years ago when a close friend insisted that I read a book called Worry: Hope and Help for a Common Condition by Edward Hallowell. The book contained a very simple sentence that made me immediately start crying.  It was something like:  "People who worry suffer."  It was such a revelation!  I was suffering.  And suffering needlessly.  There are all sorts of measures that can relieve excessive worry, like proper nutrition, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, relaxation exercises, rational self-talk, therapy, and medication.  I prefer the idea of solving my own problems without assistance but my rational side has to admit that it is stupid and pig-headed to dismiss the idea of therapy for that reason.  After all, why is it superior to solve problems without assistance than with assistance?

Nonetheless, I resisted the idea of therapy for a long time and, after a sunny 2005, I felt that I had had some success dealing with things on my own.  But in 2006. I kept hitting a brick wall in my efforts to talk myself out of my constant fearfulness.  So I finally gave in and about six weeks ago started seeing a very kind and perceptive psychologist.

It was he who led me to the important discovery, recounted in my last post, that I am the child of a narcissist.  However, consistent with what I said about above about taking responsibility, it must be stressed that this realization is not intended to be an excuse for my own shortcomings.  I am an adult and therefore wholly responsible for my own choices and actions. I nonetheless think it is accurate to view myself as a "victim" of my father's behavior.  Despite the bleatings of those who decry the "victim culture," there is nothing wrong with viewing oneself as a victim if one has been a victim.  Accurately acknowledging victimhood is not the same thing as relieving the victim of all accountability for his or her life going forward. Understanding what was done to me and how it has affected me are necessary steps towards achieving the goals of therapy. 

My diagnoses are Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  (No, I am not like the stereotype of the wild-eyed Vietnam veteran who has flashbacks wherein he believes that he is reliving past dangerous situations.  Flashbacks are a real symptom of PTSD for some people.  I do not have flashbacks, but I do have lots nightmares of past events and intrusive daytime memories.)  Not so long ago, I would have been horrified at having a "diagnosis," but I think I am over that.  These labels merely describe something that I am actually experiencing.  And I have also come to realize that having a mental health diagnosis does not mean that one is irrational (although one may have irrational thoughts about certain areas of one's life), or incapable of functioning responsibly, or unable to make decisions for oneself or others. 

I assume that if I am ever up for a judgeship or if I apply for a law license in another state, I will likely have to disclose these diagnoses. It doesn't matter though because I think my health and happiness and effectiveness across the board are more important.  And I am honestly at the point where I think I could handle publicly admitting this under my own name if I had to.

Anyhoo, that's the long and the longer of it.  This blog will soon return to its regularly scheduled programming of feminism, feminism, and more feminism.  Cheers!

Comments

[Pips]

Well done, Happy. It takes courage to examine yourself. Good luck with the journey.
As for the attacks on your decisions and character... I always imagine whether someone would say face-to-face that they are prepared to put in the comments of a blog. In the case of David - if he would, I would consider him rude and insensitive - if he wouldn't, I would consider him a coward. There is a time and a place for everything and this wasn't it.

[Joel Monka]

I want to echo the "well done" from many above. I don't know where I would be if I had not gone into therapy, but it wouldn't be the happy life I now lead. Just try to keep up with the blogging as well- some of us are addicted to HF!

[will]

Good for you!

More people need to understand that getting assistance with your mental health does not make you "CRAZY!!!!!"

I have seen far too many people (friends and clients) who were resistant to getting help because they "didnt want people to think that they were crazy."

I have never understood why people can accept a need for a personal trainer to get them in shape, an educational advisor, or even a job coach, but not accept that a mental health coach might be appropriate and helpful.

(Not that I would ever see a therapist--I am not crazy!!!)

I hope it helps you.

[Aideen]

Happy, well done, you are very brave and we all freakin' love you! Good luck, hope it works out well for you.

[lilcollegegirl]

That's great! As someone who's been in therapy off and on since I was 8 (I'm now 19, so that's not as impressive as it sounds,) I never experienced that kind of worry about what going into therapy "meant" and in my mind, no stigma attached to it, but I knew it was there because my parents and relatives always told me not to tell people that I was on medication or in therapy. I have never listened to them about this (or much else, I generally do things because I think they're a good idea...even though my stubborness has certainly cost me) and haven't regreted it. Strangely, I struggled more with the realization I had recently, that I have to go back to therapy, and possibly get back on medication, to deal with some of my problems. At the time, I was crushed because I'd gotten off the meds and other such and had even weathered a crisis or two and now it seemed I wasn't "better." But after the crying was over and I could reflect, I realized I'd simply forgotten that this is a continual process of "self-improvement" and it will never be "done."

[Kai Jones]

It sounds like you've already made a good match with a therapist, but if you feel stalled don't be afraid to switch. I've had therapists who were great at getting me through the current crisis but not so great at helping me solve the problems long term. When I finally found the right one, it was harder work but it's also stayed done (no recurrent problems--although I did go back to her for support when my mother died 2 years ago).

[zan]

Going to therapy was arguable the best thing I ever did for myself. I spent a year doing lots of work and actually having fun dealing with my stuff. That was almost three years ago and I haven't had a serious depressive episode since. People have a lot of strange ideas about therapy, but it's a sign of strength to realize you need help and to ask for it.

[ms]

Congrats on your decision. Good for you. It will be hard but hopefully rewarding. Good luck and know that you have a lot of support.

[sketchgirl]

Hey Happy, I am really glad that you took a positive step towards facing your fears. I went to a psychologist at one point (coping with the death of a very loved family member) and it did definitely help to talk to someone with no 'agenda' or close relationship with me - they had objectivity and that is so important in dealing with emotional issues. Good luck to you :)

[Amanda Marcotte]

By which I mean that your posts indicate, to me at least, a woman with ultra-high levels of self-absorption. You need less of that, not more.

Translation: Servants and their health problems are rather inconvienent to the master.

Good luck, Happy.