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WVComputergirl

Wow - for 4 years i have been living with a narcissistic fiance. I've found that reading about this disorder is a huge step in helping understand what comes out of their mouths. Now, i find his rants almost humorous... if the dog's tail knocks a magazine off the coffee table - it is my fault for (pick 1 - putting the magazine there, not paying close enough attention to the dog, having the coffee table too close to where i know the dog walks etc...) Often times it will be weeks later that he has "rationalized" a problem that is clearly a result of his actions - yet will somehow be transferred to my shoulders and this is usually out of the blue. Every day he has a new way of making money with a new business idea. I am so tired of it, but I do care for him. Knowing what i do now about his actions - i wonder if he really does care or if i am the means to an end so to speak...

Heather

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My father is a narcissist and has psychopathic or antisocial personality disorder I believe. He has never been properly diagnosed- these are my own layperson clinical assessments. As a child I witnessed psychotic breaks regularly- violence and threats of violence. He shot my two dogs that I adored as a child. He still owns guns. I fear him- which is why I haven't seen him in 7 years. I'm only beginning to see things clearly, although it's been brewing for years and I'm 40. I confronted him on the phone tonight with an audacity that I never had the courage to release. Something in me broke loose and I could no longer play along as the nice and perfect daughter that has made him so proud of me (despite loathing me at the same time). I spoke to him of the terror I witnessed as a child and of the mean and vicious verbal abuse that myself, mother and siblings were subjected to. Vicious words that were disgusting and demeaning. He denied everything, going so far as accusing my mother of the name calling that he did. When I called him a liar, he went on the attack and accused me of being "sick" and that he was "really worried about me". I stood up to him in a way I have never done before. I even said "f__k you" to him 3 times in a row. This man has terrified me my whole life until tonight-it was so freeing to swear at him!!! Sounds silly- but to swear and be "un-ladylike" to him was huge. I ended the phone call and after my heart rate slowed down a bit, I realized I was free of him. A terrible terrible burden was removed. I spoke truth to his lies. Truth. I don't care what he thinks of me. I can honestly say that tonight for the first time in my life. I am free of him because I have accepted that he is "evil" and that he will never change. I am done trying to win his approval or support or respect. That game sucks.
I went on line to read more about my father (found your blog) and I have accepted what a therapist once said to me-- she told me that he sounded psychotic and paranoid. It was hard for me to accept that at the time. But she was right and tonight he confirmed it. I am free at last.

BTW, I was raised Unitarian by my mother. She left my father when I was 13 and she has been a UU minister for over 26 years. I really enjoyed your blog.

Thank you.

Mannie

Wow!!! I have been dating a guy for six months, who wanted to marry me and have children. He said I was perfect for him. He is very successful 40 yrs and I am 29 years old-educated, very physically attractive and have a lot to offer. After the first month, I kept thinking something isn't right. THis guy spent lots of money on me, took me shopping and gave me whatever I liked, but let his money do his talking rather than his emotions. Guess What-He told me he was divorced and had shared custody. This was funny because he has been lying soooo long that he believed his lies. Worse yet he was a porn addict, and his "supposed" ex wife made personal videos with other men and women for him, and they heavily engaged in three somes. He is a Somatic Narcissist and uses Women and their bodies as his Narcisstic Supply. The problem is I am a co-dependent coming from a very alcoholic background and that is why I attracted him. Eventually I found out he was married. The poor thing is that he lives with his wife but has "discarded " her. He is a Full Blown Narcisstic and I wish I can warn every woman out there. He professes to "love" me, and I do fear for my life. He is very powerful and has stated to me several times, that "I AM TO NEVER LEAVE HIM". I am in the process of theraphy to deal with my issues and I hope this posting can help someone else.

I will continue to pray for complete healing!

Peady

I believe my mil is narcisstic although can hide it quite well sometimes and is sly about hiding her dark side for periods of time. She has intermittant outbursts and people just say it is her way and laugh it off the few acquaintances that seem to like her and family. She is excused for her sometimes outrageous behavior followed by niceness her son always says she means no harm yeh right!!! . She is too smart to just be too continually nasty and will put herself in check.
She has no interest in anything anyone has to say and will listen to what you say and then add her pearls of ignorance and never ever ask about you or your family if you have been ill. She sees her children as extensions of her the good is exhaulted in them and the bad igonred likes to brag to others but to make herself look good not them. She could care less about their achievements unless it makes her look good somehow, although she does NOT minimize her son's going on about his accomplishments in front of her if I am around which is not charateristic of NPd not sure about in private. I think she knows I have her number adn conceals her shallowness at times if she is under control.
Luckily she is pretty much to herself does not like to put herself out unless it can make her look good. She does not typically invade our lives too much but has now and then and been crazy!!!!!
My husnband claims his Mom and Dad never fought in front of him and his brother and his Mom was a good Mom never specific how though. I think he is in denial. Is this common with kids of NpD parent? A way of trying not to remember them for the tyrants they were growng up. The other son seems to have a problem with his parents and seees them quite differently not sure if he has more disdain for his mom or dad hard to tell.
My husband told his Mom he was going to quit smoking and she said why the hell would you do that? What parent in their right mind would say that? I also believe she would never tell her son she was sick from cig smoking because she would not quit and that way he would continue smoking too. She would tell him only if she had to for sympathy or control of some kind. She claims to love God only to fit in with others who believe but is not godly or giving unless to show off.
She has little to do with the grandkids and always tells people when around little ones I raised my kids already. Like get your rug rats out of my face and then when she is being viewed by family will act all engaged with kids to appear fun and loving it is quite sickening to watch. Thankfully I have no kids if I did I believe our lives would be hell.
I spoke to my husbands ex who had his son, my step son that his Mom was crazed, threatned and intimidated her but on the sly my husband was not aware of these instances. She feels his Mom brought on her Krohns disesease that she suffers with to this day.
Also she will enter a social groupo situation and have this scowl on her face as if to say why are you all here without me how dare you or are you talking about me. She quickly changes her expression to hide her anger. She acts very in the background and can not hog the spotlight quite often which is not typical of NPD so she is complex and i beleive a bit avoidnt as well..
Her one quassi/friend tends to be like her they sit and talk and one up each other about the same things and act like they have never heard the same stroies over and over and seem to get along quite well. Telling their boring anecdotal tales over and over, never talking of anything significant or real just blah blah blah. It is weird to watch. They are mirror images personality wise with regard to conversation and knowing it all.
I have witenssed her flirting on several ocassions and is very cold towards her husband. He does not drive and she seems to love to be in control and reign supreme over him. Rarely does she put him down in public she likes to come off as excepting of his quirks and strangeness. Which to the world appears loving and nice. I've always been amazed at her ability to not put him down in public but she does laugh AT him if others do and will make comments now and then.

irishanna

I am soooo relieved to have found this site. My x-husband is a N and now my 21yr old daughter has been diagnosed as a N. Life has been pure hell at times,and noone understands because they can be so charming and are very good-looking. My daughter has an eating disorder also and her father mandated vegetarianism for all of us for years. Are eating disirders correlated with NPD?

Cynthia in Georgia

My father who had NPD recently died. I don't know if he wrote his own obituary or if my crazy step mom wrote it, but it was filled with lies. He never finished even a year of college (he was smarter than those guys), but his obit. said that he got his B.S. from UGA. It claimed other non-existant grand accomplishments as well. He never accomplished much in his life except driving people away and crushing the spirits of his children. I think it is the ultimate sad sign of this disorder that his obituary had to be lies to make him look better than he was. Being human or loved was not enough. It was for suckers and losers...like me.

BTW, don't listen to David Thompson on this one. You all aren't hurting the narcissists in your life by telling your experiences here.

Scarlett

Isn't it wonderful when you finally gain insight into a life-long, perplexing issue? Isn't there just so much freedom associated with that? Even though it doesn't actually free you from the issue of overt narcissism, which you will remain associated with through unavoidable family connections, it frees your mind of the confusion, which also allows some freedom from the frustration. I have been researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and Sociopathic behaviors) for about four years now. This intense and urgent interest came about as a result of a relationship I found myself involved in with a classic narcissist. I loved this man dearly and was determined to find answers to questions my mind was struggling with. And in finding those answers I was also enlightened on the narcissism of my mother (very much like your father, which spread vehemently to my sister) - which I was forced to grow up in - double whammy there! I was also enlightened on my two marriages to narcissistic men. But it was the enlightenment regarding my boyfriend at the time that was saddest of all. And still is. But, at least, I have a better understanding. They say the truth shall set you free...maybe so, but at best it only transforms the sadness from type to another.

Lou

It was definitely NOT scummy.

It was the telling of the harsh reality of thousands of people's childhood.
"The man who raised you" is incorrect: It should read "The man who used you".

If he is "mute and bound", then he is finally experiencing what we felt every day as a child.

As far as awareness goes, he has only his own, himself :

I hope that it was as liberating for the Happy Feminist to write it as it was for me to read. Thank you.

Two and a half years ago, I had a major collapse and suffered from deep depression.
After after 8 weeks of daily group sessions, 2 years of fine-tuning differents meds and their effect, weekly sessions with a wonderful therapist and monthly with an involved psychiatrist, ironically it was a fellow patient, who suffered at the hands of a narcissitic father, who last week lent me material to read.

My jaw dropped.

Afterwards, he also gave me wise advice: NPD is a disease.
The first thing to do is learn about it and understand it, if you are going to overcome it.

Everything now made sense.

Why hadn't I ever heard about this in the 30 months that I have been seeking help ?!!!

My father was a very very sick man and chose a weak, gentle, religious, non-intellectual but beautiful woman: She was his trophy. And he hit the jackpot because her motto was "I prefer to be the martyr than the torturer".
She repeated this constantly like a mantra and buried herself in religion and alcohol which ultimately took her sanity and her life.

She lived a sick, sick symbiosis that they both nurtured and developped and which engulfed me in constant bickering, loud outbursts of furious anger from my father for inane things (such as breaking a glass accidentally), my mother submitting to his whims and deep painful stabbing remarks deliberately meant to hurt and which we were supposed to forget after he calmed down, no matter how bitterly cutting they could be.

I am blown away that everything that I have experienced in my youth was the result of an identifiable medical condition.
My mother always whispered to me when my father would go on rants or tantrums. "Don't listen to him, your father is a sick man" and she was right.
He had NPD.

Now I also know that the condition is passed on to me and it is my duty to control it since apparently it is impossible to eradicate it from my life.

I have an obligation to make my children aware and help them in every way to avoid this misery-generating disease.

The Feminist touched me greatly because I have been there,
I have lived it too.

Scummy, not.
Helping, beyond belief.

She confirms my sanity.
She identifies what the hell happened to my mother.
And to me.

I have finally discovered that I am not alone.

As an only child, it is an even-more profoundly moving realization.

Thank you ever so much
Lou
40-something, long-widowed, Desideratarian, living being-loving litigist.

kate

I just wanted to say thanks for this article too. I found you on google cos I recently discovered exactly the same thing about my father. It was wonderful to read your experiences and thanks for sharing them!
I too am not ready to forgive my father... in fact, I dream of avenging the terrible plight of all my immediate family members (and myself) who he had a tremendously destructive effect on. Noone got out unscathed, but some of us are now doing alright.

thanks again for letting us all know we arent alone in this!!!

Shari

Wow David Thompson - I think it is pretty scummy of you to suggest that, unless you have experienced a childhood with a father with this disorder you have no idea how invaladating to a child it is. His response would be a lie and project the problem and blame onto someone else or go on about his own childhood and how terrible he had it.

David you have no idea.

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