BTW, I ordered this book two days ago: "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents"
by Nina W. Brown

I'll let you know if it's any good...

The Happy Feminist

In response to Mythago:

You will NEVER catch me saying this is a good guy. My statement was just meant as an honest but deadpan response to the question posed.

I definitely, definitely, definitely, adamantly will never stand up or defend this person. If there is one thing in life I am very clear on, it is that his behavior is utterly inexcusable.

And yeah, I do let my mother deal with him for the most part. But I am worried about the possibility that she will predecease him, leaving him with no one but me. (I am his only other relative who isn't elderly.)

The Happy Feminist

ooh - thanks Moi. I'll check that out.


Do you ever wonder whether the people you work with are narcissistic/abusive to their spouses and children, but manage to pull off the "perfect man" persona at work (at least to their superiors)? There were a number of people like that where I worked many years ago, who would be personable enough to talk to, but gave the I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-back vibe. And you should have the verbal abuse spewing from their mouths when they talked to their wives. It was enough to make your skin crawl. I think I read somewhere that CEOs were more likely than average to have Sociopathic personalities. I'm so glad we have Happy to thank for identifying the pathology these behaviors typify.

David Thompson

Having given it some thought, this is a pretty scummy thing you did here. You took the man who raised you, effectively laid him mute and bound away, then proceeded to damn him to the world knowing that he had no opportunity or awareness to counter your charges.


David, considering Happy is an annonymous poster posting on her *own* blog I don't think right of reply is really an issue.

Tell me are you a contrarian for its own sake or do you actually have a point.


Ummm I think maybe David missed the point. Happy's Dad most likely wouldn't 'recognise' his problem, even if he was confronted with it, as he is most likely (as she points out) a narcissist. We all have a more critical eye of our parents as we get older and can more accurately assess their behaviours. Happy is just recounting episodes in her life which detail this specific narcissistic disorder as being apparent. It helps her to make sense of those behaviours. I doubt she wrote anything as a personal attack 'against' her father, to which he needed to 'respond' - more as a way to help herself deal with what amounts to very confusing and unfortunate interpersonal dealings with him. As you can see, others feel less alone dealing with loved ones who have a similar disorder, thanks to her post.


David suddenly realized HF was dissing a man, and saw the opportunity to play MRA contrarian.

But I am worried about the possibility that she will predecease him, leaving him with no one but me.

I guess he and she had better prepare for that possibility now, eh? "Oh, we don't need to plan because HF will take care of us" may be narcissistic, but smart it isn't.

The Happy Feminist

Thank you Annamal and Sketchgirl. Actually, posts like this one are among the very reasons I prefer anonymity. I probably never would publicly label my father by name as an abusive narcissist. On the other hand, having lost many years to this guy's whims and having been forced to play along with a false public charade of family happiness for many years, I think I have earned the right to say whatever I damn well please about the truth of what happened. I don't think I have any obligation to protect this guy's reputation when he obviously felt no compunction about frequently demeaning me in private and in public when I (being a child) was far more vulnerable and helpless than he.

Also, this is not a court of law. He doesn't get a say here.

The Happy Feminist

Mythago, I am very fortunate in that my parents have engaged in very good financial planning to have their physical and material needs cared for in their old age without my assistance. I am referring more to my hesitancy about the notion of just cutting off contact if he is an elderly widower and not making sure that he is getting adequate care. Although I recognize that he is undeserving, I do feel profoundly uncomfortable about the notion of just leaving him to die in isolation when he is sick and feeble. I kind of feel like I'm stuck with him. I am probably borrowing trouble though, as there is no particular reason to believe that he will outlive my mother.

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