ON BEING AMBI-SOCIAL, PART 1

I am not ambidextrous, but I am ambi-social.  I am equally comfortable socializing with groups of men, groups of women, or mixed-gender groups.  There were very few women attorneys at my last firm and, at my current firm, there are very few mid-level women litigators.  Consequently, I often look around the table at lunch, or at drinks after work, and realize that I am the only woman in the group.

Perhaps I should take it for granted that of course I should have no reason to feel discomfited in an opposite-sex group.  But I have to admit that my comfort level in this situation is the product of some conscious effort on my part during adolescence.  About twenty years ago, when I was entering high school, I was still painfully shy in general and petrified of boys in particular.  I just did not understand anything about boys.  They struck me as hulking, brooding silent creatures who didn't have much to say for themselves unless they were trying to one-up each other in some way.  Yet, somehow, as I had observed from earliest childhood, they seemed to garner more respect than we lowly girls.  And I wanted to date them.

So I went out of my way as a teenager to get to know boys and interact with them on their own terms.  I didn't realize that just being cute and female might be enough, so I got to be pretty good at the one-upmanship game (primarily through humor) and just not being afraid of guys.  By the time, I graduated from high school, I was definitely "one of the guys."  My denist of all people even commented that he couldn't imagine how I would cope at my women's college because every time he saw me, I was with a gaggle of boys.  Fortunately, I also valued my friendships with girls too, and was certainly "one of the girls" as well. 

Now, in adulthood, I have come to realize that a full comfort level with the opposite sex is far from universal.  My mother once commented to me that she has never had a male friend, except in the context of couples socializing.  And I have noticed that even among my generation, people still seem to clump together in groups of their own sex. 

This makes sense because I think men clearly relate to each other in a different way than women relate to each other.  In a group of men, it's all joshing each other, and maybe arguing about something impersonal, like sports or whether x was a better movie than y.  As the lone female, I will often strike an unusual note by asking about the men's wives and children.  In a group of women, we always talk about what's going on in our work lives and our home lives.  It's all personal and there is actual conversation, rather than just arguing and joking.  In a lot of ways, although I enjoy my positive relationships with my male friends and colleagues, it's  easier and more relaxing to be with other women than to be with men, because the way women relate to each other still feels more natural to me even after all these years.  And, as a married person, I don't care about dating the men anymore. 

So is there still value, I wonder, in being ambi-social? I think there is, and I will tell you why.  Stay tuned for another installment . . .

Comments

[Sara]

I don't really know why the answer to your question would take more than a few words; about half of people in the world are men. And they're just as worth getting to know as the women are. I guess I'll have to wait, because I have no idea where you could be going with this.

[Christi Nielsen]

I'm interested to see where you go with this as well. I find myself more comfortable with guys. Most of my friends are guys. I don't dislike being around women, but I feel like I have to be more careful around them. Women tend to get offended more easily, reading into things, etc. At least this has been my experience.

You're right about the conversation aspect! Sometimes I wonder if by hanging with the men, I'm avoiding the conversation that goes on between women. That way, I don't really have to reveal anything.

[will]

As far as casual friends, I am happy socializing with either men or women.

My close friends include both women and men. I probably have 7 very close friends. Three of them are men who were my college roommates and teammates. Two of them are women that I dated. Two of them are women with whom I have never been sexually intimate.

The interactions are very different. With the men, I am comfortable with their wives as well. I have hung out with them without their husbands around. (The men are like brothers to me.)

With the women that I dated, we remain very close, but I have had to go out of my way to make sure that their significant others and my significant others do not think we want to have sex. With the women that I havent dated, that issue still seems to exist.

Both women and men still seem to question whether men and women can be friends without having sex. (The When Harry met Sally issue.)

This is one of the advantages of the internet. HappyF can be my buddy without there being an issue of whether she is just being my buddy because she wants to have sex.

[pdf23ds]

What do you think about the role of sexuality in your non-romantic relationships with men? Does being attractive (as I believe you've said you are) really affect the dynamics you deal with a lot? For instance, as a teenager did you end up with a lot of unrequited lovers? I've seen this play out before in females who hang out mainly with males, though I haven't observed the reverse.

[Hugo Schwyzer]

I had to "learn ambisociality"; until I was in my thirties, almost all of my friends were women. I "hid out" from men until a few years ago when I started making a conscious effort at same-sex friendship. We don't do enough to encourage folks to overcome their fear of judgment and competition from their own gender; so many of the women in my feminist courses insist "all my good friends are guys".

[Ron O.]

In a group of men, it's all joshing each other, and maybe arguing about something impersonal, like sports or whether x was a better movie than y. As the lone female, I will often strike an unusual note by asking about the men's wives and children. In a group of women, we always talk about what's going on in our work lives and our home lives. It's all personal and there is actual conversation, rather than just arguing and joking.

This common characterization of men's conversations always bugs me, because you define actual conversation as what you want to talk about and men's conversations are somehow less than that. In my experience, the difference is not that great. My male friends don't shy away from talking about personal matters, that is why they are my friends and not aquaintences. My friends also know I couldn't care less about professional sports, so they don't talk about that with me, but will with some of our female friends that are (rabid) sports fans. We all discuss books and movies, sometimes heatedly. We all like to share jokes. Nevertheless, I agree there are differences. I have less need to share as many details of day to day happenings (of me and others) than my wife, but to me telling and hearing some of that stuff is boring. For example, third party stories. "I was talking to so-and-so and she said..." My eyes start glazing over.

[The Happy Feminist]

You're right. I shouldn't overstate it and I think what I am talking about is more prevalent in larger groups.

But what's with men and not wanting to hear the CRUCIAL details of conversations?

[Samara]

What do you think about the role of sexuality in your non-romantic relationships with men? Does being attractive (as I believe you've said you are) really affect the dynamics you deal with a lot? For instance, as a teenager did you end up with a lot of unrequited lovers? I've seen this play out before in females who hang out mainly with males, though I haven't observed the reverse.

Obviously you were never in a church teen youth group (or high school Bible club) with a clique containing one vaguely cute guy and a bunch of chubby, pimply gals. Of course (at least in my experience) that guy usually turns out to be gay.

[Ron O.]

Because hearing about people you don't know is boring.

One perception I have; women tend to expect workplace bonding with other women than men do. Most of my male friends keep a wall separating thier workplace relationships from the rest of thier lives, while most of the women expect to form personal friendships with thier co-workers. I think most men have heard they need to leave thier personal life at home when they go to work, at least I have.

I've heard women express disappointment when those friendships don't work out that leaves me thinking thier expectations were too much. I've seen more women engage in bickering that only people who know each other well can do, though of course I've seen men do it too and have been guilty of it once myself. Except for a couple people at my company that have become genuine friends, most are work-friends and I won't share as much personal stuff with them. I don't think it is really appropriate. So maybe some of what you are percieving is that difference in expectation for workplace relationships.

[Rex]

Hey guys, long time no see. I have to jump on here and say that I find this subject to be pretty interesting. Ron made a good point, though, about men seperating workplace relationships from personal ones and how they may have been told to leave their personal lives at home.

Maybe, along with the above, they've simply seen what happens to other guys at work when they whine about a breakup or what not. That'd go a long way in stopping a guy from become that open with his co-workers and bosses.