Will asked me to post about "words that make [me] see red." He noted that the use of the word "retarded" as an insult is one to which he is extremely sensitive. Unfortunately, tons of people use this term without really remembering that it of course refers to a group of people with a disability who could be hurt by the use of the term as an insult. I would recommend a general rule of thumb that if a word refers to the immutable characteristic of a class of people, it should never ever be used as an insult. Thus, we should eradicate "that's so retarded," "that's so gay," or "you throw like a girl" from our vocabularies. Instead we can say, "what a total asshat," "how tacky," or "you clumsy dork."
That having been said, I guess I don't really "see red" with regard to particular terms. I lived through college during the early 90s when campus speech codes were all the rage, and I retain a lively suspicion of the idea of regulating speech or professing extreme outrage at particular turns of phrase. While I would certainly be offended at the use of hostile racial or sexual epithets (the "n" word comes to mind), I generally assume in most instances that people who use particular offensive terms or expressions don't mean anything malicious by it and simply haven't thought it through.
Here are some expressions that I hear regularly, that grate on me but which I don't necessarily hold against the speaker:
"You throw like a girl." OK this one does kind of piss me off, but when this came up with my in-laws, I honestly don't think it had occurred to any of them WHY it would be wrong to use this expression. In their minds, it's just an immutable given, or perhaps a funny joke, that girls can't throw. (See my post on this here.)
"Pardon the expression, but he really jewed me down." Actually, this one pisses me off too. When the speaker says "pardon the expression," that shows he or she KNOWS it's wrong and is fully aware that the expression is dissing a whole class of people. What's so hard about saying, "He drove a hard bargain" or "He was cheap?" I always call people on this one.
"Oriental." (to refer to people from Asia or people of Asian descent). This one is like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I hear it all the time. I actually grew up using this term without viewing it as derogatory, and I sincerely doubt that most people who use it have any malicious intent. But when you think about it, it defines a whole continent of people in terms of its geographic location in relation to "the West." The term also connotes a sort of degenerate luxury and exoticism. Why not just say "Asian" or "Asian-American?"
"She's a slut." I hear this used most frequently by teenage girls to describe other girls whom they perceive as overly sexually active. There is something incredibly demeaning about defining someone's entire worth as a person in terms of their sexual choices. Naturally, this kind of judgment is directed most often at the female half of the species.
"Your girl." This one's bizarre. At my last firm, I was friendly with a secretary who would regularly use this term. She would say "Is your girl in today?" The first time she said this, I had no idea what she was talking about. It emerged that she was referring to my secretary. It made it sound like I was a slave owner or something. Yuck.
The term "girl" to refer to an adult woman. This one's tricky. I was indoctrinated at Mount Holyoke never to use the word "girl" to refer to a woman over the age of 18. I have to admit that it did seem stilted at first to use the word "woman" to refer to my 18 year old pal down the hall. I suppose "girl" could be considered to be the colloquial equivalent of the word "guy," and thus appropriate at any age, but to me "girl" does imply extreme youth. I find it grating that women models are always referred to as "girls" in the fashion industry. I also had a weird conversation with a cop who kept referring to a "girl at the Attorney General's Office" whose name he couldn't remember. I was shocked when it emerged that he was referring to a 45-year-old battle-worn trial veteran, because I had pictured a sweet young thing right out of school. Sometimes, and maybe this is my imagination, it seems as though men in our culture can't quite bring themselves to use the word "woman." They'll say "girl," "female" or "lady," but never woman. You can tell me that I'm crazy if you'd like, but it's almost as though many men see the word as either slightly insulting or overly sexual. I will give the conservative Christians a big hand on this -- I find it refreshing that they will routinely use the word "woman." (Of course, their actual view of women is another story.)
Last but not least: "Panties." There is nothing offensive about this word, but boy does it give me the heeby-jeebies. I will never ever ever say the word "panties." Ever. It sounds so cutesy and dimunitive. "Underwear" or "underpants" seems a bit more dignified. "Knickers" (used in England) is okay, but it would sound unnatural for an American to talk about knickers and plus it sounds like you're talking about men's cropped golf pants from the '20s. Fortunately, I don't have much occasion to talk about panties anyway.
Panties!!! I hate that word also!
For the most part, I do not think people use "retarded" maliciously. But, I think that using it reaffirms the message we can make fun of the mentally disabled. That is why I think it is important to avoid its use.
Posted by: will | January 24, 2006 at 09:20 PM
"You throw like a girl."-- In my experience more females throw with a pushing motion than do males. I suppose I could say "you throw with a pushing motion," but then the woman would probably say to me "you mean I throw like a girl, right?" What if I said, "You throw like I have seen many girls throw during my lifetime, but I admit I have not witnessed anything close to a scientific random sample of throwing girls?" Would this be alright?
Your observations about "slut" are interesting. Wonder why teen girls are more apt to use it that teen boys. I've noticed it too and found it kind of odd.
"Panties" -- I am completely unable to say panties in anything approaching a normal, serious tone of voice. I prefer to call them "unmentionables." :)
Posted by: Richard | January 24, 2006 at 09:31 PM
I was actually in small claims court recently (please don't ask me why I was in small claims court) and a young woman was complaining that her landlord burst into her apartment unannounced and saw her in her "unmentionables."
And don't try to tell me that "you throw like a girl" isn't an incredibly annoying statement. Of course, many girls/women don't know how to throw properly. Throwing is a learned skill that many women were not taught as young children. That's what makes the term so maddening. It adds insult to injury.
Posted by: The Happy Feminist | January 24, 2006 at 09:52 PM
People are Asian. Rugs are oriental.
I don't remeber who told me that, but ever since then the term's grated on me as well.
And the fact that "like a girl" = "badly" gives me the shivers, too.
Posted by: Rebecca E | January 24, 2006 at 10:29 PM
I sat in on a rape trial once, and the prosecutor kept saying "had his way with you" when he meant rape. Very odd, I thought. He did not, thankfully, ask the alleged victim is the defendant had torn her unmentionables off.
Posted by: Richard | January 24, 2006 at 11:57 PM
Urgh, I hate the word "panties". It gives me the creeps.
I hate that "throw like a girl" is used, and also "It's a bit girly" used in a negative way to describe something. Also "Oh, you're such a girl" when people are being pathetic. *sigh*
And society refers to women as girls ao often that I've found myself thinking of myself as a girl on occasion. It's just wrong.
Posted by: The Huntress | January 25, 2006 at 08:25 AM
Any time the phrase "...like a girl" is tacked on as an insult, it just pisses me off. Like Rebecca said, it just means "badly" (at its best). It goes back to the discussions on this board and others that all things female are judged against the male. If someone throws, hits, kicks, etc. "like a girl" they must not be doing it like a male which is OBVIOUSLY the right way to do it. If this is so true than how come we have U.S. champion women's softball and soccer teams and kickass women boxers? I WANT to throw, hit and kick like those "girls."
Furthermore, we do boys a disservice by teaching them that being "like a girl" in anyway is something to be ashamed of.
Posted by: lawyer2 | January 25, 2006 at 09:34 AM
"Furthermore, we do boys a disservice by teaching them that being "like a girl" in anyway is something to be ashamed of."
I completely agree.
So why is it ok to use "retarded" as an insult?
Posted by: will | January 25, 2006 at 09:59 AM
Wow, apparently I'm not alone in my hatred of the word, "Panties" -- makes my skin crawl!
There are a few things they say here that give me the shivers (I'm not a local) . They aren't offensive, but "wudn't" for wasn't and "acrost" for "across" makes me cringe...it's probably a bias on my part, actually! "Y'all" doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as "wudn't".
But what I really can't stand is the word "feminazi".
Posted by: Txfeminist | January 25, 2006 at 10:08 AM
Will, you're right. That's not OK. It's insensitive. I cringe when I hear people say that, too.
Posted by: Txfeminist | January 25, 2006 at 10:09 AM