LADIES, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, STOP WORRYING ABOUT DYING ALONE WITH YOUR CATS!

So yesterday I went out to lunch with a couple of lawyers from my office, both women about my age.  We started talking about another woman in our firm, who is a few years older than we are and a partner. This partner is highly respected in our firm and in the legal community at large.  My husband once had a case against her and came home muttering about how this woman is a "helluva" lawyer. She is very smart and very intense.  And a large part of her success is due to the very long hours she works. She is in the office late every night and all day every Saturday without fail.  She also volunteers a ton o' time to numerous charitable organizations. There is no doubt that this woman has worked her ass off for everything she has achieved, but she also clearly loves the practice of law and the causes to which she has dedicated herself.  She happens to be unmarried.

One of my friends at lunch was contrasting Woman Partner's work habits with her own, noting that she is not as driven as Woman Partner.  My friend then commented in passing, "Of course, I don't wanna wind up dying alone with my cats." 

OK, I know this was just an off hand comment.  I also know that the comment reflects my friend's worry about her own single status.  But this pity for highly successful single women that I hear all too often in our culture -- and all too often from women themselves -- drives me nutso.  We see it on Sex and the City, in posts by Opinionistas (whom I otherwise adore), or entire books by Maureen "I wish feminism were a dating service" Dowd. 

Lest you think that it is all too easy for me to opine from my Smug Married perch, I should point out that it is quite likely that I myself will die alone (with my dogs though, not cats). I have no siblings, no reproductive plans on the horizon, and there is a darn good chance that I will outlive my husband by a significant number of years.  I am quite prepared to live for many years as an elderly lady with absolutely no family.  And I am not worried about it.  Because all the choices I have made-- from my dedication to my career, to my choice of a mate, to my possibly permanent postponement of having kids -- are choices I have made gladly with my eyes wide open.  These are choices in which I find great meaning and value, and I firmly believe that I will look back on my life with no regrets even if I do meet my end alone and forgotten. 

I find the possibility of looking back and realizing that I didn't live up to my potential or didn't live life to the fullest far more horrifying than merely being single.  I don't think that our workaholic woman partner has much to worry about in this regard: she is taking the opportunity she has for a full, exciting, and valuable legal and charitable career and running with it as fast and as far as she can go.  I don't know what her feelings really are about the course of her life, but if she's smart, she is worrying about what she can control rather than about the things she can't.  We can't really control whether we meet a person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives and who wants to spend the rest of his or her life with us.  If such a relationship happens to work out --  great, that's icing on the cake-- but it shouldn't be how we define whether we are fulfilled or pathetic. 

And, of course, the other piece of this is that we very rarely, if ever, hear the same kind of "tsk, tsk-ing," with regard to successful single men.  This may be because we accept that single men aren't bound by the dreaded "biological clock," and that men are considered valued dating prospects until far older than women.  I believe this also due to the fact that we still see independence and achievement as desirable for men, whereas we still, even perhaps subconsciously, tend to define women in terms of their relationships to others (wife-and-mother). 

I think probably every human being on the planet struggles with loneliness at one time or another.  And I certainly don't want to fault anyone who wishes to meet the right person and marry.  But I wish more women would resist the societal expectation that it's somehow MORE important for them or their female peers to get married than for the successful single male partner down the hall. And women should also resist the notion that we are fools for pouring our energies into accomplishing things rather than going on a manhunt.  I want to hear less whinging from Maureen Dowd and more women saying, "SCREW it.  I'll be a single workaholic and proud of it if I wanna be."      

CODA:  As I was writing this I realized that the most famous movie scene of someone dying alone with his cats involves a man -- Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in Godfather III.  I cry like a baby every time I see that scene.  Of course, it was his life of crime (which, paradoxically, he had embraced for the sake of his family) that caused Michael Corleone to wind up alone.  This is a tadsy bit different than the warnings women have to put up with about how they will have to live as lonely old women just for being too successful.      

Comments

[The Happy Feminist]

Hi M -- I've always wanted to visit India, but for now I'll have to visit only on the blogosphere! Looking forward to checking out your blog!

[m.]

lol... a step at a time maybe? - so first the blogworld, next, youll be in india before you know it! :D

welcome to my turf anytime :)

[P]

Hey, glad I came across this article at the right time. Actually I wish I had come across this earlier, but I didn't, because I wasn't looking. I actually searched for something and ran across this. I want to say a few things:
1) I am Indian as well and 25..(hope its not over for me ;)) and live in the US, yet I feel that pressure and negativity, and funny part is,its all in my head. I don't think there are people criticizing me as bad as I'm criticizing myself. But working through it.
2) Being a single women I believe is looked down upon just as much as being a single women and a feminist.
Well, I think the most important thing we can do for ourselves, is stop criticizing ourselves so much and worrying about what society things, because most of the time, we are our worst critics and its really not that bad. People have real problems..rite!

[N2]

Great post! However, one reason why people are so obsessed about getting married is precisely because it's perceived as not being in their control. Career success, leisure activites etc. are more within one's control and are therefore not something to worry about as much. The combination of something being important to you (marriage) and yet out of one's control is what creates the fear.

[Natasha]

“Worrying about that things in life that you CAN control, rather than what you CAN’T”—Great line! Thank you. I was searching something on “single successful women”, in my state of suddenly-hit three weeks misery, soon to hit 32, having put my university education behind me, working in my field, and all of a sudden finding myself miserable, bored, and lonely, thinking there has to be more to life than just the mundane, home--work routine with the occasional social outing that doesn’t really mean much usually having shallow conversations with intoxicated counterparts supposedly putting on a happy front!
I like the idea of having FUN, yes, FUN; Whatever happened to healthy recreational activities, working less hours, to actually have time to think, to play and to read to reactivate those brain cells and generate some wisdom into our minds and soul rather than being exploited by the work politics and environment that work us like slaves for a few quid, that doesn’t necessarily buy us health, balance, time, serenity, peace of mind, calmness, enjoyment… and those things that give us TRUE happiness.
Ultimately, I should be in the driver’s seat of my life, and direct the wheel rather than worrying about the silly things that as you rightly pointed out that I can’t control—ie like finding Mr Right---- that is if he exists?! When the time is right, he’ll come along; meanwhile why don’t I just bloody get on with it, and put my energy and thoughts into better things like being happy with the way things are?! Hehe

[Petrov]

I think it's most important to define what you want/desire. Know Thyself. If you want children, it's best to learn that when you're young enough to have them. One of my friends made the choice to not have children and he is still very happy about the choice.

I knew I wanted a family but as a man, the biological clock didn't influence me quite so much. In hindsight, I wish I spent more time reflecting on what I really wanted to do with my life. After a long term relationship ended I spent a good deal of time thinking about my situation. I wanted a family.

I was blessed with remarkably good luck a few years later when I found my sweetheart. I'm now happily married to a beautiful woman who loves and cherishes our two little boys as much as I do (perhaps more).

I think because I finally determined what was missing in my life, I took the steps to improve my chances at making it happen. Thankfully, I did this when I was young enough to still have it as an option.

[F.]

Nice post. I found it when i searched "single successful women " too. It's great that there are some supporting thought when you see the society do not support or encourage you for staying single.I think there are enough kids and people who want to have kids on the earth , so my mission is not being generator ; and just having sex and talking with a guy can't be a perfect reason for getting married . That's my Idea .

[Leah]

I loved what you wrote. As a single, 30-something living in Portland, Oregon, with two cats, I have an incredible life - great friends, a supportive, loving family, an amazing career in the wine business and my writing. I have everything but the marriage, or the boyfriend for that matter. And much of my musings on my blog are to help me figure out my gifts and how to use them to make this world a better place, along with my quest to find love in all of its manifestations. And NOT to look at romantic love as the singular one and only.

Your line about the single friend who muttered she didn't want to be that successful woman, the one who made all the sacrifices, at point the lack of partnership with a significant other, that will more than likely result in the 'old woman dying alone with cats' unhappy ending - well, that is all too familiar to single women who are waiting for love, or wondering if they'll ever have it. It automatically takes away the value of their work and position in life and diminishes it all should she not do her social obligation to partner up. It's so hard. There are no right or wrong answers to this conundrum - I only wish women would simply be more supportive of other women.

[N]

Great post! I agree with a lot of the things you say. I'm a 29 year-old left-wing, female feminist; coincidentally Indian. (I wonder what that trend is about :) )
I just wanted to show appreciation for this post, and to say that I'm happy to have found your blog. Kudos!
I don't confident that I'm either holding out for quality, while figuring out what I really want. I also try to contemplate if relationships are necessarily right for everyone. I think some people might be better of single; it's their choice to make.
I looked up 'happy single women' because I just watched an episode of 'Sex in the City', in which the question, "Is it better to fake a relationship than be alone," was asked. I say the answer is 'no', but wanted to find other women who feel and live that answer. Thanks again! Here's to more visits to your blog.

P. S. The links to the right are quite attractive as well. :)

[The Hermit]

I heartily agree. Personally I've never been affected by social expectations of this kind: have never felt the 'urge' to lose my virginity, to get into a relationship, to get married, and definitely not to have children - I won't compromise my happiness (which comes from my freedom, and being an artist) for anything. I also don't think any of these things will make you happy just because everyone else is doing it, unless you're THAT shallow you get your kicks by simply fitting in and being able to talk about the same inane rubbish the others are. I see people all around me as a 29 year old, racing to buy that dream car, have that dream family, honeymoon, buy that dream house .. (ha, I meant 25-year ball-and-chain mortgage)! The idea sounds like a nightmare, being so fettered to all of these committments, not even trying to be different. All sounds like a desperate cry for attention and fulfillment to me, except these people aren't thinking much about what real spiritual or mental fulfillment really is...

And I couldn't give a rat's ass if I die alone, even without any cats. We all die alone, in some capacity, do we not? Even if we're surrounded by weeping, fawning relatives on a handsome deathbed, it's likely we'll be the only ones in the room doing the dying - no-one else is gonna come with us, exactly! More like people are selfishly thinking "I don't want to die without having left a tons of offspring to mourn over me, or people to remember me". Pfft. Do something genuinely worthwhile in life, achieve something wonderful or original, or selflessly humanitarian and contributory to society and more people will appreciate you for it than a bunch of relatives waiting for you to croak so they can get their hands on your possessions. And you'll have done more than a great deal of people choose to do... that is, those that simply exist, consume and breed.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not. I'm just awfully fed up of the sheep-like mentality of so many people. What is there to fear in death, anyhow? Take the thought of immortality - an eternity of being stuck in your own body, with so much time on your hands it means nothing? Now that's a terrifying thought. I do wish the human race would live up to its overblown sense of pride and intelligence for once. I guess I'll just have to lead the way where I am. . .