LADIES, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, STOP WORRYING ABOUT DYING ALONE WITH YOUR CATS!

So yesterday I went out to lunch with a couple of lawyers from my office, both women about my age.  We started talking about another woman in our firm, who is a few years older than we are and a partner. This partner is highly respected in our firm and in the legal community at large.  My husband once had a case against her and came home muttering about how this woman is a "helluva" lawyer. She is very smart and very intense.  And a large part of her success is due to the very long hours she works. She is in the office late every night and all day every Saturday without fail.  She also volunteers a ton o' time to numerous charitable organizations. There is no doubt that this woman has worked her ass off for everything she has achieved, but she also clearly loves the practice of law and the causes to which she has dedicated herself.  She happens to be unmarried.

One of my friends at lunch was contrasting Woman Partner's work habits with her own, noting that she is not as driven as Woman Partner.  My friend then commented in passing, "Of course, I don't wanna wind up dying alone with my cats." 

OK, I know this was just an off hand comment.  I also know that the comment reflects my friend's worry about her own single status.  But this pity for highly successful single women that I hear all too often in our culture -- and all too often from women themselves -- drives me nutso.  We see it on Sex and the City, in posts by Opinionistas (whom I otherwise adore), or entire books by Maureen "I wish feminism were a dating service" Dowd. 

Lest you think that it is all too easy for me to opine from my Smug Married perch, I should point out that it is quite likely that I myself will die alone (with my dogs though, not cats). I have no siblings, no reproductive plans on the horizon, and there is a darn good chance that I will outlive my husband by a significant number of years.  I am quite prepared to live for many years as an elderly lady with absolutely no family.  And I am not worried about it.  Because all the choices I have made-- from my dedication to my career, to my choice of a mate, to my possibly permanent postponement of having kids -- are choices I have made gladly with my eyes wide open.  These are choices in which I find great meaning and value, and I firmly believe that I will look back on my life with no regrets even if I do meet my end alone and forgotten. 

I find the possibility of looking back and realizing that I didn't live up to my potential or didn't live life to the fullest far more horrifying than merely being single.  I don't think that our workaholic woman partner has much to worry about in this regard: she is taking the opportunity she has for a full, exciting, and valuable legal and charitable career and running with it as fast and as far as she can go.  I don't know what her feelings really are about the course of her life, but if she's smart, she is worrying about what she can control rather than about the things she can't.  We can't really control whether we meet a person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives and who wants to spend the rest of his or her life with us.  If such a relationship happens to work out --  great, that's icing on the cake-- but it shouldn't be how we define whether we are fulfilled or pathetic. 

And, of course, the other piece of this is that we very rarely, if ever, hear the same kind of "tsk, tsk-ing," with regard to successful single men.  This may be because we accept that single men aren't bound by the dreaded "biological clock," and that men are considered valued dating prospects until far older than women.  I believe this also due to the fact that we still see independence and achievement as desirable for men, whereas we still, even perhaps subconsciously, tend to define women in terms of their relationships to others (wife-and-mother). 

I think probably every human being on the planet struggles with loneliness at one time or another.  And I certainly don't want to fault anyone who wishes to meet the right person and marry.  But I wish more women would resist the societal expectation that it's somehow MORE important for them or their female peers to get married than for the successful single male partner down the hall. And women should also resist the notion that we are fools for pouring our energies into accomplishing things rather than going on a manhunt.  I want to hear less whinging from Maureen Dowd and more women saying, "SCREW it.  I'll be a single workaholic and proud of it if I wanna be."      

CODA:  As I was writing this I realized that the most famous movie scene of someone dying alone with his cats involves a man -- Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in Godfather III.  I cry like a baby every time I see that scene.  Of course, it was his life of crime (which, paradoxically, he had embraced for the sake of his family) that caused Michael Corleone to wind up alone.  This is a tadsy bit different than the warnings women have to put up with about how they will have to live as lonely old women just for being too successful.      

Comments

[Lawyer2]

I know exactly the attitude you are talking about, and it pisses me off. I tried to write something about it and it just wasn't articulate. I guess as a lawyer, woman, feminist, wife, homeowner, activist, etc. I chafe at the attitude that I can't be everything I've wanted to be since I was a child. There are enough realities in this world that will keep me from becoming Wonder Woman/Maya Angelou/King of the World - - I don't need the crap created by "women's magazines" to keep me down, too. Don't assume that a successful woman had to sacrifice love, children and contentment to get where she is. Work hard to get what you want and work even harder to get what you need to make your life a success.

[Chipmunk]

But, Michael Corleone had been married.

There are stigmas attached to the unmarried man. People often assume that the "confirmed bachelor" is gay, regardless of his orientation. If a man reaches 40 and is not married (or involved in a serious relationship), there are questions asked.

When in Africa, I was asked, after it was learned that I was unmarried, whether I was afraid of dying alone. The question is not limited to women.

[The Happy Feminist]

I think both sexes suffer a stigma (whether it's equal or not is another question) but in the case of women: (1) career success is seen as a threat to her prospects of marriage and (2) career success does nothing to lessen the stigma of singlehood.

I've spent quite a bit of time in Africa myself (east and west). What about you, chipmunk? Where in Africa? Do they even have chipmunks in Africa?

[L.]

I don`t know, if men or women want to worry about ending up alone with their cats, let `em. I have friends who are happily single and friends who are unhappily single -- ditto for my married friends. Some people I know are going broke doing IVF to have kids, eithers live in terror of getting pregnant. We all want different things in life, and have totally different expectations and fears -- some of them are innate, some are imposed by society, but in the end, we are what we are, and what we make of ourselves.

When someone says, "Of course, I don't wanna wind up dying alone with my cats," I realize they`re talking about themselves more than they are about anyone else.

And there`s no guarantees, no matter what you do. I have 3 children, but who knows, I could end up outliving them, or living far away from them, and dying alone. (I`m allergic to cats, and dogs. I will have to settle for being a crazy old lady with lots of goldfish.)

[silverfish]

Lots of people don't make it to old age and end up dying in hospital of cancer and stuff. Fearing the aged death alone with cats is betting on a future that may not happen.

[aisy]

I think you bring up a good point about embracing those things that are in our control. I find that I have to really work on enjoying those things I can and being more comfortable with the things I can't.

Somewhat off topic, but when you said "single workaholic and proud of it" it got me thinking about how much we value in North America this ideal of working like crazy (and yes, still more socially acceptable for men) and how little value we place on leisure pursuits. I have a male friend who holds down a job but is uninterested in making loads of money. Instead he would rather spend more of his time doing art, hiking etc etc, but is then labelled by many as "lazy." If it was a woman, she likely wouldn't get the same label. Ah, to have an equal society!

[fjm]

She is most unlikely to die alone with her cats. She'll die honoured and much mourned by friends of all generations.

[Scott Lemieux]

Yeah, I think so many bad choices are based on this fear; indeed, not only the fear of dying alone with your cats, but the fear of living alone at a given time. And that definitely affects women more, too.

None of that means that you shouldn't send some of those single lawyers down to NYC, of course. ;)

[The Happy Feminist]

Scott, you should have no worries. The proposals are going to be rolling in once people start reading your post on why you're a feminist!

[m.]

hi. i came hopping to this blog, and just wanted to tell you i really liked this post!
especially in india, there is this HUGE pressure on women to get married. once you hit your early 20s, if you're not yearning for marriage or "hooked up" with someone, you're inevitably subjected to lectures from well-meaning relatives. we speak of "marrying before it's too late" as if women hit some expiry date and are fit for nothing after 25 if they're still single. it's freaky if they actually like it that way!
fortunately the trend is changing marginally now as more women have started working, but it will take much time before the deep conditioning from all sides is overcome.
anyway, that was nice writing! :)

cheers

m.