THE GRUMPY BRIDE: A CULTURAL CONUNDRUM FOR THE INDEPENDENT STRAIGHT WOMAN -- UPDATED

A while ago I wrote a blow-by-blow post about how my husband and I put together a feminist wedding that satisfied my feminist sensibilities.   I realized later that my post failed to capture my incredible grumpiness in the months leading up to the wedding.  I was (and am) very happy with my husband and happy about getting married.  Yet in that pre-wedding period of my life, thinking about my wedding often made me very angry.  Amanda's post on Weddings and Fear has made me understand why -- and captures a central cultural conundrum for independent, feminist women.

When my husband and I agreed to get married, it was natural for him to want a big celebration to share our decision with all of our friends and our family members.  In contrast, my response to his happy assumption of a big wedding was a very suspicious, "What you talkin' about Willis?"  and a LOT of resistance.   My husband was puzzled by my response.  He was able to view the prospect of a large wedding as simply a happy occasion.  But for women, weddings carry a lot of humiliating cultural baggage.  As Amanda says in discussing Kamy Wicoff’s book I Do But I Don't:

. . . Wicoff came to the conclusion that while weddings are supposedly a big pageant celebrating the bride, the reality is that they are about male dominance and other social hierarchies and the reason that brides have to dress more and make a bigger fuss than grooms is the principle that “the slave acts more than the master”. In a lot of ways, how this works is obvious—women put more work into weddings, women are dressed up more, women have to suffer the trouble of name changing (or explaining why they didn’t do it), etc.

There is something about the cultural script surrounding the traditional wedding hoopla that has always struck me as unbearably humiliating.  The underlying assumption seems to be that the wedding day is the woman's crowning moment, a day of far more defining importance to her than it is to the man.  The bride is supposed to work in a feverish frenzy to ensure that the napkins and the bridesmaid's dresses and the decorations on the cake and the flowers and every other little detail are exactly right while her future husband tolerates all the fuss indulgently. 

My anger as a prospective bride was a product of my fear of being perceived as embracing this humiliating role.  I struggled to be gracious to women who asked avid questions about my "color scheme" or what music I had chosen for "the spotlight dance" or the "father-daughter dance."  I gave my rarely seen Thousand Yard Death Stare to people who made fatuous comments to my father about "a big day coming up for Daddy's Little Girl" or the bridal shop ladies who called me "a little princess." 

Even more than that, though, I was angry because I did love my future husband and I did want to celebrate our commitment with our friends and family.  Yet the cultural narrative for women to express love and commitment to a man carries connotations of debasement for the woman, an expectation that the woman subsume her identity to the man's.  So how is a feminist woman to express her love for her husband without playing into these connotations?  It's incredibly frustrating because the choices always seemed to be to debase myself or otherwise to appear like a coldhearted, selfish person.

This conundrum carries over into other areas of life.  Let's say I want to do something nice for my husband.  For example, I will sometimes do his laundry for him just as part of my quest to be a considerate, giving spouse.  But it pains me that I can't perform this simple act of doing something nice for my partner without worrying that I am playing into the role of woman-as-performer-of-drudgery-that-is-beneath-men-to-have-to-do.  Whereas, if my husband does my laundry for me, it's just a straightforward case of being a helluva nice guy.  There are other examples of this difficulty, like the cultural narrative surrounding the Marriage Proposal which Amanda discusses both in the original post linked above and here.

I think this is part of the reason a lot of women opt out of feminism or find feminism difficult.  Women who want to be in relationships with men and who want to be loving, giving partners to their man are stuck with a traditionalist gendered cultural script for expressing those often very important, very central, very human desires. These scripts are so entrenched that rejecting the script often seems to women like rejecting the notion of being a loving partner to a man.

This is also the source of the idea of the angry, selfish, man-hating feminist.  Because we feminists don't want to express our kindness and our love and our commitment to our men by cleaning up after them or taking their names, then the assumption often is that we are not kind, or loving, or committed because there is no widely accepted egalitarian cultural script for a woman to express love and kindness and commitment to a man.

I am not sure I have any brilliant solutions.  As Amanda notes, its hard to opt out of these cultural scripts because no matter what we do, our behavior is understood in terms of those entrenched expectations.  So I plow ahead and do my own thing.  Some people probably view me as a "man-hater" and some people probably view me as "the little woman."  To the extent it comes up, I try to convey to people that my not taking my husband's name is not a sign of my lack of commitment to him, nor is my doing his laundry from time to time a sign that I view his laundry as primarily my responsibility. 

UPDATE:  As noted above, weddings and laundry are just a few ways in which these issues may permeate many women's lives.  In the comments, Natalia raises the notion that many women students feel that as women they shouldn't or can't do math or physics.  I have written before how women I knew in college hesitated to try out for the crew team for fear of developing an "unfeminine" degree of upper body strength.  This kind of difficulty seeing alternatives to the gender norms by which we live can affect our lives in a multitude of ways -- and may manifest differently in different communities.  I perhaps shouldn't have titled this only for straight women but I did want to acknowledge that heteronormativity of my examples, which both involved intimate relations with men.  The larger point of course is the difficulties in finding alternatives to gendered scripts -- and the possibility of being misunderstood in our communities whether we accept or reject the status quo.

Comments

[Maialu]

Wow. You always make me think--thank you!

I have been married for nearly 7 years and we opted out of the wedding experience all together. I was not a "wait for him to pop the question" kind of girl"--that leaves me out of the process! So, after some discussion, we decided to elope.

So, now I am a living example of the other conundrum you discuss. We have two children who I stay home with while the hubby goes off to work--I am, for all intents and purposes--a "Traditional Housewife." So, have I opted out of feminism? I don't think so, really. I have chosen this path and I do the "drudge work" because, quite frankly, it needs to be done and I'm here to do it. It's not work that I detest, and I know that my family appreciates it--I don't feel taken advantage of. This distinction is key, I think.

My story is "to be continued" I think, as I am applying to PhD programs for fall 2007. Our lives will shift dramatically as we go from our current model to a family with two parents working/schooling full time and splitting the housework and kidwork 50/50.

I hate the thought that I am somehow on the fringe of feminism because I have chosen a "traditional" role. I don't view my time out of the work force as a "sacrifice." One thing I believe to be true about marriage is that you have to have a bit of team mentality--and, sometimes you have to take one for the team. I have waited to start my career while my kids are little and my husband will likely be giving up some opportunities as we will be moving for me to go to school. It's all about balance.

Thanks for your blog--I enjoy it!

[Jess]

What I hate about all of these issues is that women seem to be always in a position of explaining themselves. When men take a feminist or non-traditional stance on issues of parenting, housework, etc, they are seen as forward-thinking, progressive, caring men, except for a few trogolodytes who get caught up in machismo. But when women take either side, feminist or traditional, they're left with explanations to make - "why are you abandoning your sisters, traitor?" or "your poor husband, to not have a wife who knows how to take care of him..."

I wish we could get beyond that stuff and talk about holistic family life, and how to create meaningful, working partnerships that have more to do with individuals coming together than the gender roles each one plays or doesn't play.

[kc]

Oh Happy! You must have been reading my mind... I'm in the process of planning my wedding and it is driving me slightly crazy. Just the language that people use is enough to make me want to tear my hair... I've been fussing about the wording of the invitation (and my delightful fiancee is in this with me all the way) and even though the traditions in his culture (he's not from the US) tend to be more machista, their invitations are not! It's the smallest things that surprise me, at times.

[Erin]

Sometimes traditional gender roles come in quite nicely. When my husband and I married, I informed him that getting rid of bugs was the "guy's job". He also never questioned my expectation for him the mow the lawn and take out the trash.

As I'm thinking about this, I realize that he has never held these types of gender expectations towards me. For instance, if stuff doesn't get done, he doesn't ever ask me why I'm not doing "my job". If dinner didn't get made, he cheerfully goes to pick up some takeout. His great attitude makes me REALLY WANT to do the best job that I can at making a nice home for us all the more.

[R]

Thanks for this, and for your earlier wedding post. If things go the way I think they will, my boyfriend and I will be in a position to start planning our own wedding within a few months. I've known since I was very young that I didn't want to be "given away" by my father, and the older I get, the less a traditional wedding interests me. I don't want to wear white! I look terrible in white!

So it's very nice to see that 1) I'm not the only person who thinks about this stuff (I knew that I wasn't, but seeing personal accounts in the blogosphere is powerful reinforcement) and 2) the ways in which other people have dealt with their weddings.

[Shawna R. B. Atteberry]

I did not have a traditional wedding--I didn't want to plan one, so we went to Vegas. We found an outdoor wedding chapel, and they did everything--we just told them our colors, the hors d'evoures we wanted, the picture and video package we wanted, and how many would be coming. They had all the services we needed: florist, photographer, videographer, and caterer. I wore a red dress that I ordered on the internet, and if fit perfectly! (Although I had a friend who could alter it, if needed). My headpiece was a renaissance circlet (I hate veils). Then all I had to do was show up in the dress. Both my parents gave me away (because they both raised me), and my father-in-law, an ordained minister, married us. We had around 30 people, and it was perfect. I did take his name, but kept mine as well: Shawna Renee Bound Atteberry. I never wanted a big wedding, and wearing white: uh no. I'll wear a nice white shirt, but that's the extent of me wearing white. And I think My Hubby was more into the details than I was to be honest. But that is our personalities as well: he's detail-oriented, and I'm the big picture person.

Maialu, I think your decision to stay at home with your family is no less feminist than if you worked. The point of feminism is to give us the choice. I have several friends, like you, who chose to stay home when their kids were little, and they never regretted it. I also have friends who continued to work, and they have no regrets either. Only your family can decide what's best for your family. And I do agree about the teamwork--even with it just being my husband and I. Compromise is always going to come about at some point.

[Antigone]

Add something else into the mix: money. My boyfriend and I tend to fall along the traditional gender roles when it comes to gifts: him giving some thing and me doing something. This isn't because either one of us is too enamored with gender roles, it is because of money/time thing. While neither one of us has much of either, he has more money than he has time and I have more time than I have money.

So when I feel like expressing affection, it normally comes down to doing his dishes or sending him a note or surprising him with lunch. When he's feeling affectionate (or when he's feeling blue: he always says seeing me smile always makes him smile, isn't he a sweetheart :D) he normally gets me something: a book I've been wanting to have, a hair thing I was admiring, or he'll go and make me a nice dinner (which I include as "giving" and not "doing" because dinner is danged expensive when you're a college student). Sometimes we swap: I just got him one of his favorite books because I had a little financial aid left over to use at the bookstore and he helps me move, but mostly it's him giving me doing.

We fixed this problem by going like this: "This is a gift. Do not expect this. The second you expect this is the second I stop doing this". It works out great for the both of us.

[joanna]

I've been lurking, and this topic relates to a question that I've been asking my colleagues lately, which is, "what happened to feminism?" I won't launch into that long, convoluted question here, but just want to add that I can relate to just about everything that's been stated here. As a woman who does not cook (a great name for a woman in a bad 50's cowboys and indians serial, huh? ; ) ), I used to be apologetic about it, before anyone even asked why I do not cook. And it was that old cultural script bearing down on me. During my first mariage, I'd stick to my guns about my other peculiarities, like keeping my name, not wanting kids, and being neither an ambitious career-driven type or a "justa housewife." Although I felt happy with my choices, I knew that I was breaking the rules, which sometimes made me uncomfortable, since it sometimes made me hard to define and therefore easy to expel from any group.
From the time of my divorce nine years ago ("Oh? You're keeping the house? By yourself?" and "I guess you'll be moving in with your parents" being the two dominant lines from the script at the time) up to today, I've learned to say "Fuck the script. Just fuck it. It's my life, and they're my choices, and that is that." Well, I've learned to say that from a position of strength rather than from a defensively shrill position. What amazes me as I approach fifty is that the script seems to still have a grip on us, and I still have people judging me for being childless or for keeping my name. To be sure, there are plenty of folks who don't bleat the script at me. Things have changed somewhat. But the question I'll leave you all with is this: why does the cultural script still seem to be able to affect us? What would it take for the script to change for good? Who is it that wants to polarize the issue anyhow?
I am very, very curious to hear your thoughts on this, and I hope that I haven't sounded age-ist, talking down to you all from the lofty age of 49 and two months.

[UU Soul]

Mine is another "eloped to Vegas" scenario. I've never been a traditional chick and had become increasingly disenchanted with the whole proposal-engagement ring-wedding progression. Before I met my husband, I had two female roommates who had a competition going on over who would get proposed to first. I was pretty disgusted by their competitive waiting. Also, one roommate's expectation that her boyfriend buy a ring worth more than the car I was hoping to buy at the time. These were not behaviors that I respected or cared to emulate.

For me the actual decision to get married rather than the wedding or the name change involved the most torment. My husband was stuck on whether he made enough money and that drove me through the roof. Since I wasn't looking for a traditional marriage and had been working at least one job since I was in high school, his income was irrelevant to me. I "added" his last name to mine because I don't have a middle name and had wanted one as long as I can remember. If I hadn't gotten married, I was considering making a legal name change anyway. Much to everyone's irritation, I insist on using my full name, no hyphens. And don't even think about using Mrs.

The ongoing dance of marriage has had its challenges. The grip of one's socialization is more difficult to escape than you hope. Even though our relationship is generally based on equality, I find our behavior slipping into traditional patterns at times. It is difficult to simply reject the old marriage model without having a coherent new model to replace it.

[Amanda Marcotte]

Thanks for the post. You articulated the other side of this very well. How does a feminist show love for a male partner without using a script that is geared towards equating love with subservience? I like you point about the man-hater thing, because a lot of feminist choices go under the radar because they don't fit with expectations of what loving a man looks like. With equality, you don't have to do so much more than he does to show the proper affection. I don't have to subsume my identity into my man's and he doesn't doubt I love him. But other people don't see all the things I do to love him (for one, I obstinately refuse to be the passive-aggressive female, which is hard but he appreciates). I like the private nature of egalitarian relationships, but it does feed into the problem of making feminists appear unloving, since our love is so much less for public show.

[Antigone]

"since our love is so much less for public show". That does bring up a point I've had trouble with. My ex wouldn't do the little things, the listening to the bitching, the small comforts, the things that require so little but mean so much. He was really good at the big things: giving flowers, expensive jewlery, et cetera.

My current boyfriend doesn't do big things a lot of the time(no money, no time) but he does the little things that I love so much, and when he buys me a gift, he knows it'll be something I love. But when outside observers, like my parents, who aren't privy to the inside details look at our relationship, they think that he doesn't "treat me as nice as sweet ****". It's very frustrating, because how can you say things like "He teased me about overreacting to a paper I have to write, which calmed me down" and compare that to "He bought me a dimond/gold/saphire bracelet" in this cultural script?

[David Thompson]

Meh. All of this and much more devolves from placing too much stock in what other people think of how you live your life. The only people you need to please are those you specifically decide to please. The others? Fuck 'em.

(Oh wait, this is a feminist blog. I mean that in the figurative sense. Do not engage in sexual intercourse with them. Unless you want to.)

[Sydney]

David -- I couldn't agree with you more. Though at times it can be hard not to care, especially when gender expectations are shoved in your face on a regular basis. My solution has been to say something like (for example), "Of COURSE, I'm going to keep my name. I have a great name, and I've always intended to keep it. Why would I want to change it?" And throw the ball back into their court. Sometimes you get through, sometimes you don't, but I'm not sure I care about the opinions of the ones who don't get it anyway.

Women are encouraged (I would argue more so than men) to look to ourselves to see if we are the cause of problems or conflict. My live got 100x better when I realized that other people can be wrong too.

[Cassandra]

It's very frustrating, because how can you say things like "He teased me about overreacting to a paper I have to write, which calmed me down" and compare that to "He bought me a dimond/gold/saphire bracelet" in this cultural script?

*I* think that counts as adorable. One of the things that I loved about my ex (ex because we're heading to college) is that if I was down he would listen to me mope, and then he'd try to cheer me up, whether by explaining why the situation wasn't so bad, or, if that wasn't working, by joking around until I cracked a smile--and his obvious happiness at cheering me up always cheered me up even more.

And Happy, I totally know what you mean about feeling weird doing things for someone that fall into a cultural script. My ex liked to joke around by saying "now go and make me a sandwich!" which never bothered me because he went out of his way to be respectful always. Nevertheless one time he was at my house and I offered to make him a sandwich, and there was a moment of "whoa did I just sign off my independence in this relationship? why is he so happy?" and then I realized, who DOESN'T like having a sandwich made for them? Besides I liked making him happy. So I guess that was my version of joking around till he cracked a smile. (I felt down, or at least showed it, much more than he did).

[Helen H]

I'm with David. Just F**k them. What my husband and I do is none of anyone else's business.

As to weddings -- ick. Receptions, on the otherhand, who wouldn't want a really cool party for all your friends and family?

I have to admit though, it was kind of nice my husband's family was much more concerned that I have his support to stay in school, work, etc. My family just assumed I would; his went out of their way to help make sure it happened. They were a little shocked, but supported our choice when I stayed working fulltime and in school halftime after kid #2 and he became a SHD for the 1st year and then worked graveyard shift for the 18 mo after that.

[Ann Bartow]

This is a terrific set of observations. Thanks for a great post.

[jen]

@joanna
"To be sure, there are plenty of folks who don't bleat the script at me. Things have changed somewhat. But the question I'll leave you all with is this: why does the cultural script still seem to be able to affect us? "
i think it's pretty simple why. people still stick to this old script cause it gives them a feeling of security (if it really gives security is a different question i guess).
sticking to the old script means having a lot of decisions done for you, developing a new script would mean actual thinking. and i dont even mean this cynical when i say that actual thinking is one of the hardest things ever.
making decisions like you did costs strength, even if its worth it in my opinion, most people refuse to develop this stregth cause they are afraid to fail. one would have to think "okay, what do I really want? what is REALLY good for me?", and answering this questions that are necessary for making independent decisions with honesty isnt that easy since it might also mean to face quite some uncomfortable questions, too. it is easier just clinging to the old script that simply tells you "what is the best for you", especially since you can be sure the majority won't criticize you as much as if you made some more unconventional decisions.
and, let's face it, people ARE lazy like that. me, too, sometimes, even though i am trying to avoid that. as a feminist i am already used to it that i am sometimes uncomfortable for some people but sometimes i am just tired and wish to avoid being uncomfortable cause its not always a nice feeling. damn haha
and no, you don't sound "age-ist" haha im only 23 and i have asked myself the same things and even though i think i have an explanation i still don't fully get it that so many people actually stick to the old script without any hesitating.

[Amy]

My issue with the wedding was being shoved suddenly into the spotlight (I'm a middle child).

I choose to be home full-time as well. This is my work, it is work, and I don't intend to be less-diligent in it than my husband is in his. I am very thankful I don't have to work an 8-to-5; I'm not wired for one consistent activity. "Homemaking" suits me well. I appreciated the reminder from (Who was it?) that feminism means having choices.

I heard once (someone please tell me it was an urban legend) that a woman in Sweden was told, no, she could not stay home with her children and let her husband support her. The way I heard the story was that every adult who can is required to support him/herself. That is not freedom; and I hope it is not feminism.

The way my husband "empowers" me in my role is to acknowledge it is work, admire what I'm able to accomplish and work with me on the (frequent) left-overs, taking active responsibility for his felt-need for order when the house isn't there.

The house /is/ my job during the day, along with the children, but that doesn't make them less his responsibility.
///

As to the always having to explain myself-- I think usually that felt-need comes from me being a compulsive-explainer, and not particularly from the people around me.

I am becoming more and more convinced (maybe it's just from being in Alaska-- I'm told we're different here) that I could explain myself and my choices as little as I chose, and I'd actually end up more effective in "normalizing" my state.

Beautiful women don't go around /explaining/ that they are beautiful to plain women. They just are, everybody knows it, and it doesn't take any explaining.

[L.]

My husband wanted the big stinky wedding production -- not me (we`d already been legally married at the U.S. Embassy in Tokyo). So I said, "Fine, you plan it. I`ll just show up in a dress."

And....he did! All I did was choose the flowers and invite my friends.

[Sandy]

We kept our wedding (twenty years ago now) small so as to advoid many of these issues. I think the larger the event, the more traditions you're likely to run up against. When conflict came up, as I knew it would, it inevitably between my mother & I, and luckily she states her opinion and then moves on. We both compromised a bit, and now I just see as it humorous when she (still!) sends me mail addressed as First Name Lastname DH's Lastname.

At any rate, DH & I both felt that the wedding was a social convention that we were doing mainly for parents & grandparents...and to get spouse health insurance. The details of the ceremony just weren't THAT important (unless it was something ridiculous, like "obey").

[David Duff]

Have you thought that perhaps it is time to change your blog title to 'The Unhappy Feminist'?

Also, don't you think that all this constant feminist navel-gazing is just a teensy-weensy bit self-indulgent? I mean, to paraphrase the great Rhett Butler, 'Frankly, my dear, who gives a damn?' Not the least of the silliness to emanate from the Marxists is the absurd notion that the 'personal is political'. You are in danger, it seems to me, of becoming a walking, talking, writing billboard. Don't do it! Just be yourself and don't worry what the world thinks.

To cheer you up, here is some good news. My campaign to have all brides learn by heart and recite publicly at their weddings Kate's beautiful speech from "The Taming of the Shrew", V.ii.137, is failing to gain ground - can't think why!

[The Grouch]

'Frankly, my dear, who gives a damn?'

Clearly you do, seeing as how you've taken the trouble to read the whole post and then write a lengthy comment about how trivial it is.

[mythago]

someone please tell me it was an urban legend

Uh, Sweden has a rather extensive social safety net, including parental leave. I find it rather hard to credit the Swedish government telling a would-be homemaker 'every adult who can is required to support him/herself'."

[Sydney]

Actually David, the Rhett quote goes, "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn," which is an important distinction.

Are you just trying to say, "Stop your bitching and get on with life?" I don't think this is just a case of simple bitching. It's as though you're trying to invalidate the experiences of these women by dismissing their commentary as run-of-the-mill bitching. Are you just sick of hearing about the sexism inherant in certain traditions? If your view of this dialouge is that it is merely bitching, then perhaps that says more about you than about this blog.

I'm not sure what you mean by the "walking, talking, writing billboard" comment.

[David Duff]

Sydney, you have half a sharp eye! Indeed I did misquote the estimable Rhett Butler and that is why I wrote "to paraphrase".

"Bitching" is not a word I would use in this context - which is why I didn't write it. Perhaps I failed to make myself clear, but what worried me is that our hostess is obviously a bright young woman who seems to be making herself unhappy by endless mental rotations upon a pinhead like a medieval monk attempting to count the number of angels residing there-on. I suggest she should just 'fagettaboutit' (as our American cousins put it in those wonderful gangster movies I watch incessantly!) The *personal* is *personal*. There is absolutely nothing political about her washing his boxers or him ironing her panties, for God's sake!

And 'no', I am not "sick of hearing about the sexism inherant in certain traditions?" It's not something that keeps me awake at night sweating, but when occasion demands I am prepared to delve in, or at least, dip a toe. For example, when I directed "Measure for Measure" I discovered that the most useful analytical critic of the play for me, an amateur, was Marilyn French and her book "Shakespeare's Division of Experience". But there is a time and a place!

My 'billboard' remark was just my way of hinting that perhaps our hostess was picking up some of the shrillness that is so hard tune out from the more, shall we say, enthusiastic members of the Sisterhood.