Can I get an AMEN?
Perfectly said.

David Thompson

And, what, men have no obligation to consider the expectations and constraints that may be burdening the women in their lives and to which they may be contributing?

In a word, no.

I'm not going to bother with your advocacy of pseudosocialism. I'm neither a proselytizer nor a deprogrammer.


Well said.

A Pang

"Pseudosocialism"? It seemed that Happy was just talking about being considerate about others' different circumstances.

But yeah, great post, although it's kind of sad that you actually have to argue that women have the right to discuss these things.

Ron O.

I like the way you framed the last point in terms of respect. I'm going to remember and use that sometime.


"I don't care a whit that my great aunt thinks that I am a bad person because I didn't take my husband's last name, or if some guy thinks I'm a "slut" because I have had more sexual partners than he deems appropriate."

I totally hear you. I care a lot about what other people think of me, especially in regards to the older women of my family. Truth be told, I want to keep my last name when I get married. But I don't want to deal with people going, "Ugh, WHY?" I am ashamed to say that more often than not, I often make the choice that are more convenient, even (or rather, especially) when they're "unfeminist." It's something I need to work on as a hypersensitive person.

Great points in the rest of your post, too!

Ron O.

Mermade, We both changed our names to herlastname-mylastname, but only use it for legal purposes. It is the name we gave our child, who can figure out what to do with it if & when he is an adult considering marriage. It is my hope that we have a second child and one will carry on her mother's name & one mine. But it will be up to them to decide.

We both still use our birth names at work. I asked HR to leave my email, directory listing, nameplate, etc. as it was. My wife did the same.

I thought I might get a little slack from my Dad, but he was blase about the whole thing. Really, no-one judged. A couple people have forgotten, but were appologetic when we reminded them. I.e a party invitation arrives addressed to the myLastName's.

It was pretty easy. When filling out the application for a marriage license, we said what we intended our names to be. Then when it arrived in the mail we filled out another form at the Social Security office. A few weeks later our new SS cards arrived. We're updating other records, likt eh bank & our driver's licenses as needed.


You have some seriously fucked up commenters, is all I got to say.

Oh, and RIGHT ON.

Barbara P

Mermade & Ron O.

How people react to the name thing depends a lot on the area where you live, and the circles of people you interact with. While my area is not particularly conservative, I do get a lot of mild disapproval of my name choice. No one directly confronts me about it, but sometimes I wish they would so I wouldn't feel so powerless under their disapproval (b/c I could argue with them!). For example (and this goes back to the wedding theme), when we were planning our wedding, and I told the person at the reception hall that I was keeping my birth name, she said "oh, that was a big thing in the 80's... do people really do that any more?" as if it was now out of style or somthing. I said "well, I'm doing it" (or something like that) and moved on to other things. It's possible that I could have said something more witty, or somehow reacted in a more effective way (given time to think about it) but it would have been difficult to get ANGRY and still be able to stick to the business at hand.

I think you're wise, Mermade, for considering how your choice will affect people's reactions to you, and how you feel about that. Better to be realistic about it, IMHO. But if it counts for anything, I (a random stranger on the internet) will respect your choice to keep your name. ;o)


Well said, Happy, all very well said.

Sometimes it's hard to get my mind around the fact that such basic obvious things actually need to be said.

Clearly they do, considering you seem to have just gotten red-baited for saying that people should be concerned about how their actions affect those they care about.

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