TRA LA LA -- GOT MY MANIFESTO IN THE MAIL

Tra la la -- I know everyone's probably getting sick of Hirshman, but I am just so tickled to have gotten my copy of her book Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World from Amazon. Hirshman's book speaks to something deep in my core.  The fact is, I am completely Hirshman-ish in my thinking about my own choices and I always have been.  Yet I see nary any  validation for that in our culture, especially for women. 

I have always felt not only a strong desire for a career but a strong sense of DUTY towards my career.  I have always been very duty-oriented, and in my mind, my obligation is to contribute to the labor force, and to push myself as far as I can in whatever endeavor I choose to adopt.  I feel this way partly because I feel I ought to exercise the rights hard-won by past feminists, and partly because I feel that I ought to use all of my privileges, all of my talents and education, out in the world for the benefit of others besides my family. Maybe I am not talented enough to discover the cure for cancer, but I still ought to use my talents however far they extend.

This is why it cheeves me off to no end when career women are castigated as being "selfish."  I always think to myself, "Working long hours and fretting constantly on behalf of my clients is the way a selfish person behaves?!?!?!? People think I do this just so I can drive a snazzy car?!?!?!?" (By the way, my car is so un-snazzy that I actually have to roll the windows up and down manually.)

Working is certainly no walk in the park.  It's stressful and you're constantly answering to people.  In my case, I've got demanding clients, perfectionist bosses, and grumpy judges all looking over my shoulder, as well as opposing counsel just waiting for me to trip up.  There are days when I love it and days when I am miserable.  But there is no question in my mind that my calling and my obligation in life is to WORK, and to work outside the home.  I don't do this just to have a little extra cash in the bank and I don't do it just to look all glamorous in a business suit.  I do it because I think what I do has value. 

And you know what else?  I do put my work above family.  All the time.  It is a frequent occurrence in our household that I will say to my darling husband, "You know what? You're not gonna see me this weekend, because I am going to be chained to my desk working."  Do I feel even slightly guilty about this? Not a bit.  His job as my husband is to support me in my endeavors just as I support him in his.  He has my first loyalty over any other individual on the planet, and I love him deeply, and I would certainly drop everything for him in a crisis, but family time does not come before work time in our house.  No way.  The point of family, in my view, is to support and nurture the individual visions of each member.  "Family" is not in itself a mythical good or an end goal.

I know Hirshman has pissed off a lot of people by trashing other women's choices and I have said repeatedly that deriding how other people spend their time isn't my thing.  But, you know what, it is so wonderful and refreshing to have someone validate -- without apology or qualification -- the choices of working women who value their careers.  And reading her validation made me realize how very rare it is to see that in our press and in our culture.   

The few times I have expressed to others my real feelings about career and its centrality to my life and self-image, I have been absolutely derided.  When I told a college professor/mentor that I was "ambitious," she acted as though I had confessed some terrible sin that she had to help me overcome.  Others have told me that I am "arrogant" or that I am a "sucker" just slaving away to make some big company richer. 

But I will say it here, loud and proud.  I work full-time for a living and I will continue working full-time for a living.  I will work full-time for a living if I have children.  I will work full-time for a living if my husband gets a $500,000 a year job.  I will work full-time for a living if I win the lottery.  On my death bed, I will probably wish that I spent more time at the office.   And  I think that's an absolutely honorable choice that I, as a woman, have no need to apologize for.  Thank you very much.

 

Comments

[scantee]

Thank you for your positive view of work. The thing that bothered me most about this whole Hirshman firestorm is how work in the formal sector is derided as utter drudgery. People who enjoy formal paid work are viewed as handmaids to capitalism soley interested in padding their back accounts. Work, from low-status jobs such as hotel maids to high-status jobs such as doctors, has unique and important values other than the accummulation of money.

[aspazia]

Amen sister. I have been holding my own tongue on this latest round of Hirshman blogging since I got so thoroughly reamed last time. But,I am with you, I have chosen to push myself as far as I can in my career. But, my idol was Simone de Beauvoir. And, her writings on marriage and motherhood are far worse than anything Hirshman says (I am so hardcore, I won't even get married!)

[Chipmunk]

What's with all of the attitudes. Happy, if you want to work, go work. If you want to stay home and eat bon bons, stay home and eat bon bons (other issues about that are between you and your husband - just the same as if he wanted to stay home and eat bon bons). So what if other people do not like your choices. These are the kinds of choices society allows you to make. Just because some author has to label, categorize, and critique these choices a certain way is, when it comes down to it, meaningless (thus, the reason a number of my friends have left academia for other careers - their research had little/no impact on real life problems). His or her writings do not have to have any effect on your day to day life.

Nor are these writings needed to justify your choices. As you point out, you're a productive member of society. If others do not understand your choices, maybe the problem is with them and not you. Are they too hung up on the idea that women are supposed to get married, put their careers aside and crank out babies? Are they jealous because they realize that they've made the wrong choices in life and prefer the choices you've made rather than their own choices?

As for validation, you don't need it from a book. You have it within yourself. You're happy with what you're doing.

Gee, I'm short eight words . . . and that's 250.

[Richard]

>>> "You know what? You're not gonna see me this weekend, because I am going to be chained to my desk working."

I don't really view this as putting work before family. Obviously (hopefully?) your family gets some benefit out of your efforts at work, plus you have responsibilities that may not always mesh with family time. That’s unavoidable unless you take the extreme step of quitting work. On the other hand, if you preferred to be at work on most weekends rather than with family, or looked for opportunities to spend even more time at work, than I'd say you're putting work first (and also that you should scout out a good divorce lawyer for the storm to come).

(120 words)

[Girlistic]

go Happy!

[The Happy Feminist]

You're missing the point, chipmunk. Of course, I am free to do whatever I want, and I do. But I think respect and recognition are extremely important. I know men in general certainly think so.

[Mandolin]

This post made me extremely happy.

[David Thompson]

but family time does not come before work time in our house.

That is an interesting way to view things, but I am glad it's not the way I view it.

[L.]

Well, obviously different parts of Hirshman`s message resonate differently with different people!

Glad you`re happy, Happy.

[mythago]

how work in the formal sector is derided as utter drudgery

Sometimes it is. HF is in a generally well-paid, intellectually stimulating part of the workforce.

I, too, am glad to see somebody say that career isn't an only-if-you-have-to choice for women. I kinda wish Hirschman had been able to do it without crapping on mothers and on the women she pays to clean her house, though.

"But I think respect and recognition are extremely important."

I would agree. However, who are you seeking respect and recognition from. Respect and recognition from your peers are one thing. The housewife down the street who feels she has no need to work is another. It will be harder to get her to understand what you're doing than it will be to convince some of my clients that a plea deal to 15 years imprisonment is a good thing.

Not everyone's going to be happy with your choices. There's no need to try and change their minds. First, you don't know which choices they are unhappy with. It could be your choice not to have children. It could be your choice to work so hard. It could be your choice to become an attorney (doesn't everybody love and respect lawyers?). It doesn't matter. Overtime, you will win respect from your colleagues. There may be exceptions. Some might refer to you as a bitch if you are successful at what you do. Nonetheless, why should their opinions matter.

Maybe the question is, why do we rely so much on external validation for what we do?

194 words.

[AndiF]

I think Hirschman serves two very important functions: 1) she drives us to evaluate our attitudes and to come to an understanding of what we think are realistic solutions to problems of work and family and 2) she defines an extreme that makes attitudes like HF's a moderate position.

Having grown up in the 50s and 60s when Flanagan's book would have been a simple restatement of the normal expectations for all middle and upper class women, I am delighted we have gotten far enough along to have a substantial number of women for whom this debate has real resonance. My regret is that it is still so painful for so many.

[The Happy Feminist]

To chipmunk and Mr. 194 words (are you one in the same):

Your comments rub me the wrong way a little bit and I am trying to figure out why. I think it's because my post isn't really about a need to have everyone in the world approve my choices. It is a response to my perception that the media accounts I read and people I meet often seem very wary about the concept of professional women. Often a media profile of a professional woman will begin with a paragraph about how she gets home every night in time to cook dinner for her children -- as though we need some reassurance on that score before we can consider her accomplishments. Very rarely do I read a no-holds-barred piece advocating what professional women do without qualification or apology.

Maybe I set myself up for your kind of response with the personal tone of my post. But the post isn't about my fee-fees being hurt. It is in part using myself as an example to critique a strain in our culture that treats women in the workplace as a cause for concern rather than value added -- and to praise Hirshman for standing up for working women.

[Sydney]

I agree, Happy. We don't *NEED* validation for what we do with our lives. But it sure feels good to have it. And what is so wrong with that, anyway?

Hirschman is admirable in part because she is unafraid to take a potentially unpopular position. And she is unapologetic about it. Why DO we all care so much about not being liked, anyway?

[Chipmunk]

Interesting, in that your concern is about the media's account, and your concerns that media accounts of professional women "[o]ften . . . begin with a paragraph about how she gets home every night in time to cook dinner for her children." In April, Laura Blumenfeld did a column in the Washington Post talking about A.G. Gonzalez. The focus was on how he tries to explain his job to his children and his relationship with them. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/04/10/AR2006041001305.html. A column she wrote about Agricultural Secretary Mike Johanns begins by discussing him doing housework. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/10/24/AR2005102401477.html. While you may not be thrilled with the discussion in the story, could the author be recounting something that is important to the subject of the story. That is, just as its important for you to be able to go to the office on the weekend, it may be important to the professional who is also a parent to come home from work to cook dinner for her children. Rather than the story having to "reassure the reader" that the subject is a "mommy first," the story may just be recounting who the subject really is.

[The Happy Feminist]

Maybe, but then you have this article, for example:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/heavy-guilt-trip-for-working-parents/2006/06/19/1150701484561.html

The headline refers to "working parents" but those quoted in the article talk only in terms of how children are more likely to be obese the more hours "mothers" work outside the home.

[Nicole Black]

"I know men in general certainly think so."

What is it with you and overgeneralizations about men, Hap? I just don't get it. My husband is not like that, nor is my dad. And I know a lot of other men that are not like that, and plenty of women that are.

As for your nya-nya-nya-nah-nah toned post, I find it a bit strange. Good for you that you want to spend all of your life working all the time, no matter what your situation. Great. If that's what makes you happy, I'm all for it.

But, don't be so quick to predict how you'll feel in a given situation. And you have no idea what you'll face at any given point in your life.

My husband's (successful) battle against cancer early on in my career, before kids, affected me, and my general outlook, profoundly. It has affected every decision that I've made since he was diagnosed. I'm much more likely to live for today and to make sure taht I enjoy each day to its fullest.

From my perspective,that did not include slaving away at what was, for me, a generally unfulfiiling job in a law firm.

If you find your work fulfilling, more power to ya. But, enough with the "loud and proud" stuff, por favor. It really is a bit much.

[The Happy Feminist]

I don't know (or especially care to know) what you mean by "nya nya nya" tone. This was actually meant to be a positive feel-good piece -- and it did make me feel good, which is the primary purpose of this blog. Judging by the responses on this thread, it made other people feel good too.

Also, I do know how I will feel when circumstances change. I've been kicking around for a while, and know my own mind pretty well.

[L.]

I don`t mind Happy`s "loud and proud" stuff. But I DO mind LH`s "get off your lazy ass and stop wasting your education" stuff.

LH obviously fills a void -- we need a voice to stand up for unapologetic career women. I was one for many years, and would still be one if my husband hadn`t been transferred, and I plan to be one again. I felt no guilt when the baby called the babysitter "Mama," and when we ate meals of convenience food in front of the TV. I worked by choice and I loved my work. I didn`t love my family any less because I wasn`t home baking bread -- and now that I AM home baking bread, I can honestly say, I don`t love them any more than I did before.

I think we need MORE "loud and proud," and fewer guilt trips and less hang-wringing.

[TangoMan]

Sydney,

Why DO we all care so much about not being liked, anyway?

A very good question. Compare those who care about being liked with those who don't. How do they receive their satisfaction? I would venture the opininon that this need to be liked is a partial career inhibitor for women in the top reaches of science, where if your case is strong you need to demolish the case made by others and you need to do this publicly.

What is it with you and overgeneralizations about men, Hap? I just don't get it.

I think she needs to internalize a more statistical way of phrasing. For instance, it's wrong to say that all Blacks are less intelligent than Whites, but it is correct to say that Blacks as a group have lower IQ scores than Whites, but we can't infer anything about any individual Black person from the group level data, though we can point to probabilities. Yeah, it's a mouthful but it's accurate and conveys the group level point while acknowledging individual variance. She should also have studies ready to quote if anyone questions her on her group level claims. Common knowledge doesn't cut it.

[The Happy Feminist]

That's why I like your writing, L. I am all for "selfish motherhood" ! If I am ever a mother, that's the kind of mother I am going to be!

To Tango Man, I don't think this post has anything to do with "needing to be liked."

And no I am not going to "internalize a more statistical way of phrasing." If I make a generalization based on my opinion/perception, I will make it clear that I am doing so, and you can either accept it or reject it. This is a blog, not a science journal.

And to clarify my comment, it's not so much that MEN care about respect and recognition, it's that PEOPLE care about it. And I suppose we could do a study on that, but I don't think it's really necessary.

[The Happy Feminist]

And Tango Man, I appreciate that you are making some sort of vaguely relevant analogy and I also appreciate you know perfectly well that it is controversial to talk about the relative abilities of different races. But I am not a big fan of you trying to work in your pet controversies in this way. So-- I don't want this thread to devolve into a debate about the merits of the IQ test as a measure of anything or the bell curve, etc.

[The Happy Feminist]

Oh, I see Tango Man. You are responding to Sydney about the need to be liked.

[Chipmunk]

And the Sydney news article makes you feel guilty, why?

The article's not an indictment on mother's working, but on parents (though it does refer almost solely to mother's) feeding their children fast food for dinner.

[The Happy Feminist]

It doesn't make me feel guilty.