HAS THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT MADE AFRICAN-AMERICANS HAPPIER? (AND OTHER STUPID QUESTIONS)

There has been some recent discussion in the press and the blogosphere of a study by sociologists Bradford Wilcox and Steven Nock purporting to show that married women with traditionalist values are more likely to be happy than married women with feminist values.  My first thought upon hearing of this study was:  "Oh for Pete's sake: of course women with traditionalist views are more likely to be happy.  They aren't fighting an uphill battle against ingrained behavioral and cultural patterns.  They aren't trying to grab the brass ring of success on masculine terms while simultaneously being held to a standard of good parenting and homemaking that still generally applies only to women.  They aren't working full time in a demanding job only to come home to find that they are primarily responsible for all the housework and childcare."    Women with feminist values are obviously going to be a tadsy bit frustrated.   

My second thought in response to this study is why the heck am I constantly seeing articles that pose this question of whether feminism makes women happy?  It's the wrong question!  We never see articles that talk about whether democracy will make the Iraqis happy or whether equal rights for African-Americans have made them happy or whether our civil liberties make us Americans happy.  I don't think those who fought the American Revolution said to themselves, "Wouldn't we be happier if we simply accepted taxation without representation rather than fighting this rather unpleasant war?" 

To frame the effectiveness of feminism in terms of whether it makes women happy is just one more way of patronizing women.  It smacks of, "Oh, but the slaves are so well-fed and content on the plantation" or "you'll be so much if it happier simply accepting the status quo rather than challenging it."  For example, I might very well be happier than I am now if I were a well cared for corgi, or a five-year old child, or someone who has had a lobotomy.  But that doesn't mean that becoming a corgi or reverting to childhood or having a lobotomy are acceptable outcomes.  I wouldn't wanna be happy if it meant giving up freedom and equality and respect. 

Feminism is about freedom and equality of opportunity for women as a class. Happiness, in turn, is up to the individual and there are no guarantees.  To require feminism to serve up happiness on a platter for women is to ask of it something that is not asked of any other political or cultural movement or philosophy.  And I think it's disingenuous. 

Comments

[will]

excellent point.

I think we should commission a study to find out whether college educated people are happier than non-college educated people. Or perhaps whether men who are married to Democrats are happier than men who are married to Republicans. Or whether we are happier when our in-laws live more than 200 miles away.

[The Happy Feminist]

Tee hee. Long time, no see Will! Sorry I was a bit anti-social last week.

[will]

Hi Happy. I had a busy week last week too. So it was good that you were not there to distract me from preventing justice.

[Tamakazura]

I think I do remember seeing an article that said that people with more education are less likely to be happy, by some measure or another. A quick google didn't turn it up, though, so I'm not sure where I saw it or if I just dreamed it up. I've sometimes wondered if I'd be happier if I didn't know so dang much about things, but giving up interests for the sake of peace of mind just isn't an option. The next best thing would have to be doing something with that knowledge, I guess.

And on the actual topic of the post, was there any control for financial status? Seems to me if a family can afford for one parent to stay at home, that'd mean they're under less stress to make ends meet than a family where both parents must work to stay afloat.

[j0]

great point Happy. I've seen similar comments about the "duh" reaction to this study elsewhere, but your illumination of why this is a stupid/patronizing question to ask in the first place really brings it home.

I think its also something to battle on a daily basis - the desire to stick one's head in the sand because the daily stuff gets so exhausting that there is no energy left to challenge sexist norms can be overwhelming. Even though I'm angry more of the time (aah, just like college) now that I've discovered all these fabulous feminist blogs that remind me of all the crap in the world (or should I say a different range of crap than what you read in the MSM), I'd rather be angry than unknowing. The hilarious snark of these blogs makes it all worthwhile.

[Zan]

So the traditional people like me aren't smart enough to know if we are happy? If someone asks me if I'm happy I think I should know whether I am a SAHM or not. It is a pretty easy question. I am happier now than when I worked my very high stress job as a nurse. I can't imagine trying to do both now.

Yes, my sister is one of those people out there who choose to stay home with her kids even though finances are really tight. They are able to budget accordingly. She does this because she believes that this is the best way to raise children.

I understand that some feminists just want the choice to stay at home or work and be treated fairly. I am all for that but just because a woman makes the choice it doesn't mean it is the RIGHT choice. I think if a woman sacrifices her children for career she is making the WRONG choice.

BTW, how many people out there are mothers who commented on this post? Just curious. When you have children of your own your opinions and beliefs change alot. I know mine did.

[The Happy Feminist]

Hi Zan -- I am so glad you're still here reading! I hope your health and that of your soon-to-be-born baby is good.

I don't see anyone saying that traditional people aren't smart enough to know if they're happy.

I am just happiness ain't everything. I am sure most traditionalists would agree!

[will]

I have tried to beat into my son's brain that his happiness is 10 percent what happens to him and 90 percent how he reacts to those events. He is in control of his happiness. (I think I stole that from Charles Sidnore or something like that.)

[Hypatia's Father]

Funny thing, the people around me whom I suspect of being miserable--certainly the ones who seem oblivious to the suffering of others--are often the very ones obsessed with happiness. Happiness becomes for them a kind of benchmark for zero-sum success.

I'm with Kazantzakis, another unruly Greek. His epitaph: "I have no hope. I have no fear. I am free."

Forgive him a twinge of renunciatory machismo. He is hinting that happiness is just another pursuit, and it is better to be free of such vanities altogether. (Does one sound barbaric yawps from "happiness" ?)

Paradoxically, for me, this little quotation shifts the whole context of what 'prosperity means', aligning it with the deeper sense of simply "having" peace of mind.

[h sofia]

If someone asked me in a survey if I was happy, my first question would be, "Happy about what?" I can be happy with my spouse, but unhappy with the job market, or unhappy with the public school system, or unhappy with the way our government is going, and a whole host of things. But personal happiness and happiness for the rest of my community, or society as a whole - or the future of the UNIVERSE (okay, I hyperbolize, obviously), is not the same thing.

Me being happy is not enough.

[Dr.Sue]

Zan, I'm a mother with a job (several, in fact). I'm often exhausted and frustrated, trying to balance the demands of my work with the needs of my family, and to squeeze my own fulfillment into the equation. I get angry at the unfairness of the way things are set up--in the workplace to favor some macho ideal of sacrificing everything to get ahead on the job; at the paucity of decent child care options; at the way men, even the decent, heroic ones like my husband who really don't want to be that way, are conditioned to ignore dirty dishes and socks on the floor. Since I work as a therapist, I also get angry at the injustices I hear about every day from my clients. I need to work for economic reasons, but I stayed home for my son's first two years and frankly, I was bored silly (though I adore my son) and if I'd had to stay home longer I would have gone out of my mind, and my kid would have suffered for it.

My best friend is a SAHM. It's her choice; they can afford this choice. She is a brilliant and strong-minded woman who has always wanted to stay home and raise a family, and she is great at it. I do think she is happier than I am. It's not because she is dumb or blinded, but because her desires and needs are consonant with what society dictates that she ought to pursue, so her life is simpler and easier. We are both feminists, and both believe that feminism is in part about being able to make choices like this. There is no competition between us. But it's clear that middle-class life is set up for the working-daddy, SAHM nuclear family, so she doesn't have as much to struggle against.

[céline]

I'm a long-time reader, first-time commenter. Your posts are normally wonderfully clear and intelligent, but this one is particularly excellent. I only wish I was as articulate as you are during my many discussions on the subject of feminism with people who don't see the point of it... Thanks a lot.

[Sandy]

Zan, I'm a sah mother and happy being a feminist, although I might be happier if it seemed like our society was changing in the directions that I would like it to. It's a matter of goals and attainability for me; but that doesn't mean I don't take pleasure in my personal life.

And no, my opinions and beliefs haven't changed a lot since having children. My options, on the other hand....well, let's just say that I am wholeheartedly on board with the letter by Kim Gandy on NOW's website: http://www.now.org/issues/media/mommywars.html -- especially the "How can workplaces, educational institutions, the public service sector and our government make caregiving a more respected and less stressful endeavor? Paid family leave, recognition of the work of caregivers by providing disability and unemployment insurance, Social Security credits, group health insurance, respite care services, public transportation and early childhood education in every community come to mind, but there are many others."

[Zan]

Dr. Sue

I appreciate you, being a mother, responding to me.

I don't believe that men are conditioned to be a certain way and women another way. We are biological different. I never did anything to make my son like cars and right now he is so infatuated with them. It is cars this and cars that. He has never touched a doll even when he was exposed to them at his cousin's house.

I don't see any proof of the idea that we are all conditioned to act a certain way, but I do see a lot of proof that men and women are different. We think differently and excel at different things. This idea that men and women are conditioned by some patriachial conspiracy has not been around very long. I would love to see some actual scientific evidence.

I can't believe you were bored at home. I have never been busier. Of course I am having my second one. I don't know how many little ones you have. Only having one might get less hectic as he matures.

I don't see society dictating that women stay home. If I did maybe we SAHM's would get a tax break or something. The cost of living would be lower, as well, so moms would be able to afford to stay home. Everything seems to be against mommmy staying home.

I understand how you would miss your job. Being a psychologist, you spent about half your life getting your education. You must really love it. I love being a nurse. There is almost nothing better than having a patient tear up because he is so moved by the care you have given him. However, I am a wife first (if you have a bad marriage your children WILL suffer, Dr. Phil is saying this all the time on is show),a mother second, and then a nurse. I strongly believe that I am the best caregiver for my son and that caring for him full time at home is the best choice for him. He has bonded with me and it wouldn't be fair to him or me to break that bond so I could pursue nursing.

I agree that women should not be forced to stay at home but I think that women who work by choice are making the wrong choice. I know that might rub you the wrong way but that's what I believe. I actually believe that feminists are trying to condition women to believe that they should go against what is natural and more and more young mothers today are realizing that they are wrong.

Oh, and it is not society's fault that my husband ignores dirty socks on the floor. He is a guy. Guys notice different things because they are guys. They need to be TOLD that there are dirty socks on the floor. I can't get over how much you need to verbally communicate with men to inform them of their surroundings. This is not because they are dumb but because they are different. We are painting our bedroom and if it were not for me my husband would've picked out the vilest color green in the world. I t looked like the bile I would throw up in the morning when I had my morning sickness. You would have to be on mushrooms to choose that color. He calls it neutral. This was just a prime example of how different men and women are. Of course men can be excellent designers but it is the norm for more women to be designers.

Anyway this is getting long, sorry. Oh, my husband was raised by a marine who fought at Okinawa and ran a really strict household (this guy never did dishes). Yet, I don't need to tell him (my husband)to do dishes. I guess society failed there. He does them because he wants to help me out.

[Mickle]

Zan - no one said you weren't happy (yeesh- talk about misreading). Happy's simply making the obvious point that people who "fit in" tend to be happier than people who don't - and that the type of group involved is irrelevant to this basic fact. Therefore, questions about the need for feminism shouldn't center on if it makes certain individuals happy, but if it makes the world a better and more just place.

And not to knock your name Happy (I actually like it because feminists aren't considered to be happy people, and I know that's why you picked it) but "I choose pain!"

;)

[Dr.Sue]

Zan, it's great that your life works for you and your family. It's the idea that it's the only way a family can work that I disagree with. You don't know me or my family, so I don't think you can say that I'm cheating them by pursuing my own vocation. I'm glad your kids are thriving. Mine is, too. And, yes, I was bored at home. I'm different from you, because each of us is a unique human being with her own path.

Re conditioning--your son's natural behavior fits society's idea of "normality," so it seems to you that it's natural for all boys to behave that way. My son liked some traditionally "feminine" clothing and behavior, and this was shamed out of him, despite our best efforts, by other children and adult neighbors. I wrote an essay about this which was published in an anthology, and got lots of mail from other moms describing similar experiences. The "aberrant" behavior is ridiculed until it is dropped, and then the "desired" behavior is cited as natural and normal. This is not a scientific study, of course--and it wouldn't be possible to design a truly valid study using children for this purpose--but it is striking to me.

[Zan]

Thanks for responding Dr Sue,

We will just have to agree to disagree. Your definition of thriving is probably different than mine. Not trying to be snobby but just stating a fact. You might think that my son is being conditioned and I just think he is exploring his natural instincts and behaviors. One thing 'feminine' that he does do is play with dishes and pretend to cook. I have no problem with this and he started doing this on his own. I hope he keeps this up as his father is an excellent cook.

What I find hard to believe is that since the beginning of time men have acted one way and women another, not all the time, because there are some exceptions, but usually, because of society. It has only been since the 60s that this whole idea of society dictating the way that men and women act came about.

I don't see why it would be impossible to study this theory. It is just a theory and should be treated as a theory until proven. People are always grasping at theories before they are validated.

Mickle, I disagree that people who fit in are happier. The teenagers who follow there friends into drugs and sex aren't happier. They are usually depressed. Going with the flow does not make you happy. Only "you" can make "you" happy. Being a Christian, I confront subjects all day long that make me unhappy, but I don't let it affect my overall happiness. I ask God to control my mood so that I won't bring negativity on my son. Right now I am not too happy with my husband and my current condition of being very pregnant. I could let it ruin my day but I am going to push that away to be expressed at a better time, if necessary. Probably, by the time my husband does come home I will forget why I was mad at him.

Anyway, I am generally happier now than I was when I worked full time, even though I loved my job. Sure, some things stilll make me mad but overall I am happier.

I am sorry that you choose pain. I definately believe there is a time to be angry or sad, especially if not being so goes against your convictions but I would not delight in it. I think it would be a tragedy. Just my thoughts.

[elfinity]

One thing 'feminine' that he does do is play with dishes and pretend to cook. I have no problem with this and he started doing this on his own. I hope he keeps this up as his father is an excellent cook.

Just a quick observation - your husband cooks, and your son picked up on that. If your husband, say, gardened, you might've seen your son to play "garden". Kids try to emulate their parents' behavior. THAT is natural. I've played with trucks and with dolls when I was a little kid. Then I got the trucks and tree-climbing "sorted out" of me - "that's not what girls do, dear."

[Dr.Sue]

Regarding studying gender differences in children--the reason I think it would be very hard,if not impossible,to do this well is that we would have to remove the children from all cultural influences and expectations, starting from birth, which could teach us a lot, but it would be child abuse.

Zan, your comment about thriving doesn't sound "snobby," only ignorant. You don't know anything about me. You sound like a loving and caring mom, though, and I wish you well.

[Martin Wisse]

"married women with traditionalist values are more likely to be happy than married women with feminist values."

Be that as it may, this sort of study/report/news article is ignoring quite a large elephant in the room, the group of women who were not happy when their only choice was the traditional role of bride/mother/comforter, with perhaps a year or two off working as a teacher or librarian.

That is, such articles are (deliberately) ignoring a lot of history to come to the conclusion that being feminist = being unhappy.

[Zan]

Actually, I think my son likes to cook because he watches me. I do the majority of the cooking.(My husband works very long hours and is not able to spend a lot of time with him.) I also consider cooking pretty gender neutral as I do climbing trees. I was raised in the country and was a big tree climber and tom-boy even though I was raised with all girls. We rarely had boy toys but I would always be the one doing the "boy" chores with my dad because he has no boys. My parents never tried to sort anything out of me with any of my games. However, though I leaned more towards being a tom boy I always wanted to be a mommy and loved girl things too.

Oh, gardening is also very gender neutral.

Dr. Sue, I'm sure you love your son very much and want what is best for him. I am not ignorant to the affects of young children being put in daycare so their mom's can work long hours. Sometimes it is unavoidable (single moms) but I think it is very sad if it is a choice based on mommy's fulfillment. I beleive if you have children they are your responsibility. Once again, our ideas of thriving are very different and it is not because of ignorance but of different beliefs regarding priorities and child-rearing in general.

[Dr.Sue]

Zan, this is what I mean by ignorance. You know nothing of my situation, and you make a lot of assumptions. Did I say I had put my young son in day care? Not that I believe there is anything wrong with quality day care, but I didn't say it. I said I was frustrated by the paucity of child care options, and this is true. In fact, he is a middle schooler, and my frustration springs from the difficulty in keeping him occupied in a wholesome way when school holidays and half days fall out on work days. I could as easily say your son must suffer from the lack of a male role model since your husband works such long hours, and brag about how my husband and I have arranged our lives so that we are both around more. But I don't know what else is going on in your life, so that would be an ignorant comment.

"I beleive if you have children they are your responsibility" also shows ignorance, I think. If you truly believe that you have a monopoly on responsibility--that your way is the only possible road to successful childrearing, then I think you need to look around.

I think that ultimately the system is stacked against both working moms and SAHMs, though I can believe SAHMs are happier because they are at least conforming to the patriarchy's expectations and not pedaling uphill all the time. I think we need to stick together and support one another, rather than compete and attack. I think that would be the best thing for all of our children, as well.

[deborama]

It's all good being a SAHM unless and until your husband decides he doesn't want to support you anymore. That's what happened to me after 12 years of being happy at home. Now I've got two teenagers to raise alone and absolutely no money, and it is really really hard to get started again after so many years out of the workforce. I've got a master's degree and lots of work experience but for 12 years it's been all freelance, volunteer and part-time, and NONE OF THAT COUNTS to corporate America.

I'm just saying, all the blissfully at-home mothers are only good for as long as their husband agrees to the arrangement. As soon as he's tired of it, you've got a BIG problem on your hands. Everybody thinks they're happily married for the long haul when your kids are little and cute. Soon as they're older, a lot less cute, and MUCH more expensive, a lot of men get tired of being the breadwinner. Then you're in your 40s with teenagers and no income. Good luck girls!

[alice, uptown]

I came to this blog via Salon. It is an interesting debate, but factually, Zan, you are ignorant. You wrote: "It has only been since the 60s that this whole idea of society dictating the way that men and women act came about." Prior to 1964, married women were legally denied access to credit in their own names. Prior to 1920, American women were denied the right to vote. Suffragists fought long and hard -- see Seneca Falls, 1848, for details -- to get the vote. I will spared you more information, since history is obviously not your forte.

On the language front, there is a huge difference between being "busy" and "bored." If you can't discern it, will your children learn it? Have you considered what will happen if they don't?

[Bina]

Those who seriously believe that women would or should be happier without feminism, need to remember what it was that prompted Betty Friedan to write The Feminine Mystique. If stay-at-home motherhood really were the be-all and the end-all of female fulfillment, wouldn't everybody be like that? And would there ever have been a concerted effort to change things?

BTW, I'm a feminist. Not married. No kids. And yes, VERY happy, not in spite of all that, but BECAUSE of it.