MANLY MEN AND THE MEANING OF MASCULINITY

My goal in my marriage as my husband's wife is that I always do what makes him "feel like a man." I know it might sound silly to some, but I truly think that we as women have the power to make our men feel like men and we also have the power to take their masculinity. I really believe that if I want my man to act like a man... I have to treat him like a man (and part of that is taking his name). Does this ring true to anyone?

I want to welcome new commentor Chrystabelle to this site.  I think it’s fair to say that her comments reflect a very traditionalist view of gender relations, and I am always particularly interested to hear from people with such views.  Her comment got me thinking about what it means to be “masculine” -- and what it means for a woman to have the power to “emasculate” a man.  I’ve hesitated to write about “masculinity” because this is a topic that has been pored over by all sorts of thinkers and scholars, none of whom I have read.  But, you know, sometimes you just have to say what the heck, so here’s my take on it.

I have written before that I view femininity as just a style that I can take off when it suits me.  But masculinity means something slightly different to me.  To me, masculinity, in its most positive sense, is the grace with which a man handles the fact that he is (or is expected to be) significantly larger and stronger than most women.

A few months ago I read a column, maybe in MSN, about what your teenaged son is really thinking.  One of the things the typical teenaged boy is supposedly wondering is why he has to do what his mother tells him when he can easily overpower her.  (I can’t seem to find the link but, trust me, I didn’t make this up.)  This “typical” teenaged boy, in my view, is well on his way to developing a masculine persona that is dangerous to others and to himself.   

To me, the ultimate masculine male accepts his physical advantages for what they are -- no more, no less.  He doesn’t apologize for his strength.  He may choose to push his body to its limits athletically and to take pleasure in what it can do. If he is in a position to use his physical gifts to help someone, he will do so -- whether that means helping someone lift a heavy bag or rescuing someone from physical danger. 

But his entire sense of self-worth does not hinge upon his “superior” size and strength.  He does not think that he has a right to be in charge of everything just because he can overpower his wife or his mother or his female colleagues.  He recognizes that might does not make right.  He recognizes that men do not have a monopoly on heroism or physical strength, and therefore he does not feel “emasculated” by an in-charge woman, an independent woman, a woman who plays American football, or a woman who defeats him athletically. (Pause while I re-live one of my favorite memories-- of the time my teeny 16-year-old self defeated all six of the strapping and very male U.S. Marines who participated in a 10K race in my expatriate community.  That made me happy!  I’ll probably mention it several more times on this blog.)

My ideal manly man is not threatened by having to take direction from a female boss or by perhaps earning less than his hard-charging wife.  His physical strength is not central to his identity so he is able to cope with maybe being short, or maybe being a little shrimpy or not-so-strong -- and he is able to cope with the loss of his physical gifts, as my husband did when his spinal cord was severed during an accident, leaving him with a permanent, severe disability. 

So I guess I think of masculinity as a somewhat limited trait, rather than a characteristic that defines a man’s entire personhood.  As a woman married to a man, my job is not to “make” my husband “feel like a man.” I am pretty sure my husband felt secure in his male body, both with and without his disability, before he met me, and I don’t think there is much I could ever do to either add to or detract from that. It is my job to make my husband feel loved and respected and admired and needed as an individual, not as someone whose worth depends on fulfilling a narrow role (protector and provider perhaps?) dictated by societal norms developed before he was even born.  I expect the same in return from him. 

 

Comments

[Kim (basement variety!)]

Fantastic post, Happy. On first read, I agree with you on all accounts.

[Richard Ames]

(1) "I truly think that we as women have the power to make our men feel like men and we also have the power to take their masculinity ..." You know, I've heard this from women before, and for the life of me I don't know where the idea comes from. To be honest, when I hear it, I think that the woman saying it must be dealing with men who have not fully developed. You know the type. Big trucks, action movie overload, power tool obsessive, Gold's Gym membership, and pin-up girls. Pullease.

(2) "To me, masculinity, in its most positive sense, is the grace with which a man handles the fact that he is (or is expected to be) significantly larger and stronger than most women." Okay, so I can beat my Mom and sisters up, separately or at the same time. And so if I "graciously" don't pound them into the floor boards when they disagree with me, I am somehow showing grace? I don't get it. I never think about how strong (or weak) I am physically, nor do I think my male friends do. I never noticed (until this moment) that I could whip most women I come in contact with on a daily basis. It's just not on my radar. Who do you know who thinks like this and why would you volunteer to be in their presence?

(3) "He does not think that he has a right to be in charge of everything just because he can overpower his wife or his mother or his female colleagues." Again, who do you know like this and why would you volunteer to be in their presence?

(4) "As a woman married to a man ..." Hmm. Interesting phrasing ;)

By the way, kudos on your openness to let other views in here. Last week I posted to "Alas, a blog" which is a "moderated" site, meaning comments are screened (think, "censored"). Yes, my comment was direct and provocative, but I used no profanity, called no one names, and (thought) I had something worthwhile and intelligent to say. Outcome: I was banned by Alas from comments! When I asked the moderator why, I was told I had a bad attitude (and that I wrote some words in ALL CAPS, which I was told was, quote, "generally not good bets for respectful, intelligent blog conversations"). I pointed out that I was advocating a position and I yes, I was passionate about it, so yes, the comment was not dull. It was meant to be provocative on a site that professes to discuss provocative issues. No go. Banned from a website for the first time in my life because of my "attitude." I'm still quite tickled by this, and somewhat astonished. So I wanted to commend you, HF, for the open manner in which you run your blog. Three cheers!

[aspazia]

Marvelous post!

[chipmunk]

I wouldn't feel threatened by my wife bringing home a larger paycheck than me. In fact, I wish she would. The interesting thing is, she's upset by the fact that she earns less money. Her reaction is due more to her own insecurities and need to compete with me.

[Jade]

Enjoyed the post Happy! Please ignore the troll above. He doth protest his innocence too much.

[The Happy Feminist]

Congratulations to Richard and chipmunk: you are fully evolved 21st century men.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that men who don't beat up on or lord it over women deserve a gold star. Ideally, we SHOULD be able to take it for granted that men don't act that way and, in many quarters, we can take it for granted.

Unfortunately, there are too many men who feel some sort of cultural pressure to prove themselves and all too often proving themselves comes at women's expense. Here are three examples I can think of just off the top of my head:

-- Richard's own example of the power tool wielding, Gold's Gym guy with the mudflap girls on his pick up truck.

--http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/pakistan.honor.ap/index.html?section=cnn_latest (The latest "Honor Killing" in Pakistan)

-- http://www.visionforumministries.org/sections/hotcon/ht/womeninmilitary/boysprotectgirls.asp (Article from Vision Forum Ministries web site in which the author opines: "Feminism does not set women free from the tyranny of men. Rather, it imposes on women the tyranny of men. The truth is that 'Boys protect girls' is not just a moral imperative. It is an ontological reality. That is, men will always lead women.")

[The Happy Feminist]

Chipmunk, I think your comment illustrates that men don't have any monopoly on competitiveness and insecurity.

I felt a bit uncomfortable when I earned less than my husband because it seemed sort of unfeminist to be supported by a man. Over time, I have come to realize that each partner's strength and contribution in a marriage waxes and wanes. One partner may be the breadwinner for a time, but then maybe he gets sick or he wants to try his hand at writing or working for a non-profit-- that's when the other partner picks up the slack. It's not about who is doing more or playing what role -- it's about being able to depend upon each other.

[Zan]

Richard,

I was banned by a concervative Christian site. I was not rude or anything. I simply disagreed and had evidence to back up my thoughts. I was simply deleted (repeatedly without explanation) and then told by the girl that ran the site that she thought I seemed "frustrated." Whatever that means. She just didn't like to be questioned by someone she couldn't refute because she felt threatened. I feel that she lied to me and has a real pride issue. There are wolves in sheep's clothing all around but I never had anyone delete anything I said.

HF,
I asked my husband if he ever thought he should beat up his mother or me because he can. I got a very dumb look for an answer.

I have said before that men are instinctivley leaders and protectors. Look at all the examples nature gives us. I don't have a problem with that and I probably never will. I also don't have a problem with my husband bringing a paycheck home that is bigger than mine. I have enough things to worry about like having a baby in two months.

I do have the power of making my husband feel more masculine just like he does having me feel more feminine.

This is a little off the subject but my mom's house is full of all different kinds of toys for boys and girls. I decided I would give George some girl toys to give him a chance to see if he would play with them (is t all nurture?) George took the doll, banged her head against the table to see what kind of sound it made, and then threw it across the room. He then went back to his trucks where he began to make engine noises with his lips. (None of us have ever made the engine noises. He picked those up himself. He is only 1 1/2.

[Spitfire]

My husband worked for a female boss (in the military no less) AND had a wife who made considerably more than he did (before the kids came along anyhow). I won't say that he dealt with it graciously, but only because he didn't think he had anything to 'deal with' at all. His boss was a woman, so? His wife made more money, all the more for him to buy goodies with.
I fell even more strongly after reading your post that my husband is indeed a manly man, even though he is not the strongest or fastest. Certainly not as fast as you beating those Marines for sure ;) Great post!

[drumgurl]

I read from Cathy Young (and somewhere else I can't remember) that about 1/3 of humans exhibit traits typical of the other sex more often than traits of their own sex. I found that interesting, because I obviously have a more "masculine" personality. I am willing to accept that men are more likely to be masculine (which is why it's called "masculine"), but it is not true for every individual. I have personally tried to be more feminine and have always failed. (I was a doll-beater too, unfortunately.) So I just quit trying to be feminine and am much happier now.

I think it is more important that you and your significant other complement each other, rather than have both people stick to a narrow role based soley on gender. It doesn't matter if you're masculine or feminine, as long it makes you both happy.

[drumgurl]

Oh, I also wanted to mention the conservative writer Steven Rhoads (sp). He thinks girls and women who are "tomboys" have a greater amount of testosterone than other women. I have no idea if he is correct, but I am curious to know more about his theory. Unlike most feminists, I do think personality traits can be attributed to nature as well as nurture.

[Richard Ames]

"It is an ontological reality. That is, men will always lead women."

Has the author never heard of Indira Gandhi or Golda Meir or the wonderful Maggie Thatcher or Benazir Bhutto or Jenny Shipley or most recently Angela Merkel? Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to have written those sentences?

[Dr.Sue]

I would guess that the "typical" teenaged boy who thinks he doesn't have to listen to his mom now that he's bigger than she is was raised by fairly authoritarian parents. Kids who grow up hearing "because I said so" (i.e., "because I'm bigger than you") and/or witness their fathers dominating their mothers understandably adopt this model of human interaction. In families where mutual love, respect, and support are prominent, I think this sort of reaction is less likely.

[chipmunk]

Sorry Jade, not a troll. A small furry woodland creature maybe (at least in name on this post), but not a troll.

Woman can be just as competitive as men. The question is, where (or how) this competitive nature rears its head. Sometimes it can be positive (participating in a sporting event, during trial (oh, yeah, I already mentioned sporting event), while having a drink with the boys). Other times, it's not productive. What each person brings in to a relationship cannot be measured simply by the bottom line. Otherwise, we would return to the belief that the value associated to the work done by a stay at home mother is much less than her husband's. In the same vein, my wife's economic contributions may be less based on her paycheck, but that does not mean that her total contributions to the relationship is less.

As for the teen-aged boy, he may be physically bigger than his mother. That does not mean, however, that she cannot control him. There is an assumption that physical dominance is the only factor.

[The Happy Feminist]

Good points, my furry little friend!

[The Galloping Beaver]

"I have said before that men are instinctivley leaders and protectors. Look at all the examples nature gives us."

On the other hand, look at all the examples nature provides to refute that suggestion. The top predator in the ocean, Orcinus Orca (Killer Whale), in all three races of the species, is led exclusively by females. In one of the Pacific sub-pods when the female leader died, the three surviving males started moving with another family group which had a strong matriarch.

Masculinity, in my opinion, has nothing to do with physical strength or a dominant role in a relationship. Masculinity is simply in contrast to femininity, both of which are comprised of several traits intended to attract the attention of the opposite sex. As a previous commenter described, the ability to physically overpower any of the women in my life simply doesn't cross my mind.

I also disagree with the prejudical stereotype provided by Richard to describe what he sees as an example of under developed males attempting to demonstrate their masculinity. If some males behave in a less than civilized manner in an attempt to promote their masculinity to females, they are regularly failing. In fact, most of that performance is for the benefit of other men in their coterie. Men who would use their physical power to dominate or threaten weaker women cross all cultural, educational and professional lines.

[eschuerzen]

If I had to take a guess: You already got your husbands balls stored in a vase, you make more than him, and he's only with you because he can't afford better...

Why not focus your feminist tactics on issues that really matter?

RELIGIONS!

What's that religion called where women aren't treated like gutter sh!t?

[The Happy Feminist]

And Richard didn't believe me . . .

I just think some of this post are not right. I'm a 47 years old and have been married for the part 23 years, I have always worked and provided a great life for me family. 8 months ago I was let go from my job, and had to go back out and find a new job. After tons of humiliating interveiws with girls in HR that were to older than 25 that had me sit in there offices for hrs at a time while they did wha they had to do, I got a job, however my new boss was out of town and would retun the day I would start. My boss's was Sam Kinghts (who I thought would be a man). The day I started I met Sam, who I found out was a young 25 year old woman who had worked for me as an intern 7 yers ago. My heart kinda sank b/c I was a hard ass boss... Well I guess karma is a bitch b/c she now has me on a tight leesh. Do I feel emasculated YES, she constanly yells at me and will come out of her office tell me and a few people to GET in her office and stand infroint of her desk and she tells us what needs to be done. All in all she kind of reminds me when I had that power. I don't wan to leave b/c the job market is not great. I have a review coming up and I know shes ganna make me feel like a liite boy.

[Katina Lee]

I am way late on this, but in more and more marriages the woman is physically stronger than the man, my question is for the guys how would you handle this?

[shminla]

A very strange, strange question. First I would guarantee your hypothesis is incorrect; but barring that, I would hazard a guess that in those small percentage of cases, men would handle it the same way women handle it (you know we're all people). They don't care! If you have to be afraid of who you are married to, you're not too bright for getting there in the first place. I don't think it is gender as much as trust in each other for goodness sake! Physical size does not define you, it is what you do and how you treat others that define you. Are you respectful, thoughtful, caring, etc.? Then you are one of the 99% of the humans out there...gender notwithstanding.